Wednesday, November 29, 2006

New Year's Eve, in which Echo dents my car.

Okay, so my friend Echo says I need to "post some funny stuff." (Lol, thanks Echo... I thought I was posting funny stuff...)

Anyway, so I have a story relating to Echo today, because I have been leaving her out lately. Plus, I have quite a few single life/drunkenness stories to catch up on.

Here goes:

It was New Year's Eve just last year, and Echo and I had this brilliant plan that we were going to
both get marvelously plastered at Eli's Bar. Normally, we take turns being the Sober Driver (See: Babysitter), and so really there has only been one or two times that we were drunk simultaneously.

But this was a dumb idea because:

1. we didn't plan ahead on who would be driving us home at the end of the night,

2. we didn't seem to be remember the level of Stupid-Drunk we could both attain,


3. we didn't think about who would be taking care of our drunk asses all night.

We get to Eli's Bar early and all is well until after we have 2-3 pitchers of beer. Yeah, I'm not entirely sure how many we had the entire night. Maybe 4-5 total... I lost track. Toward the end of the night, after the beer had sunk into our brains, we went up to order another before going back out on the dance floor.

At this point, we obviously have had enough:

We drunkenly ask the bartender:
"Should we get another pitcher?"

The bartender replies:
"You can't take a pitcher on the dance floor."
(I'm positive now that he must have been rolling his eyes, and we just didn't notice at the time.)

Me, turning to Echo:
want to dance."

Echo, to the bartender:
"Yeah, we're gonna dance."

Bartender, still playing babysitter:
"Do you want Miller Lite or Bud Light in bottles?"

Echo and me, in unison:
"F_ck Miller!"

Don't ask where this simultaneous outburst came from, since we'd been drinking Miller Lite
all night long by the pitcher, and remarking on how much better it was than Bud Light.

We go back out to the dance floor and after a short while, our Bud Lites are gone and we are completely out of money. Echo is dancing with this random drunk guy who offers her a drink from his mysterious green-bottled beer. (Much later, I did some research and found that the mystery beer had to have been either Heineken or Rolling Rock.) She takes a drink, and then (not asking him or anything!) passes it to me and I take a drink too.

I yell:
"That's pretty good!"

Echo says:
"What is it?"

I say:
"It tastes like water!"

You know you've had too much to drink when you drink a stranger's Green Mystery Beer and it tastes like water. This is the point of no return, people. You've literally drunk your taste buds to death. (Note: This is also the point in which I lose most of my hearing as well. For example, if a stranger talks to me, I assume they are speaking a foreign language. This may or may not lead to me making out with them in order to shut them up.)

Anyway, we drained his beer between the two of us. And then Echo gave him back the empty bottle.

Meanwhile, I am slapping at this guy's hands because he is untying Echo's lace-up top. (Similar style shown here.) It's not that he would untie her and her shirt would be gaping open, it just had the ties hanging down untied. I'm not sure what he was thinking untying her, but I was thinking "Get off my friend, drunk ass" while I slapped at him. And Echo doesn't even notice what's going on, and only realizes her top is unlaced the next morning.

So, at around midnight, we decide that it's time to go outside and call a cab to come and pick us up. I am dialing and dialing, not realizing that the busy signal is not going away. This was my first New Year's without a Designated Driver... the first New Year where I planned on calling a cab to come get us at the end of the night. And the first New Year that I learned that New Year's Eve is the #1 busiest night for the cab companies. In fact, we may very well have called back 100 times and never gotten through.

We go over to stand by my car instead of standing in front of the bar. I am still trying to call the cab company over and over again, even though it's extremely difficult to dial, even though I am just hitting redial (it's ONE key!), because I am so freaking trashed.

I tell Echo: "Dude, dial them on your phone too." She gets her phone and attempts to dial in the phone number as I read it to her. Who the hell knows what number she called, or if she even got 7 numbers dialed at all. So, we are starting to panic just a little, wondering how we will get home, and Echo is literally rolling on the front side-panel of my car, repeating "I don't want to go to jail tonight, Jen."

I say: "Well my house isn't that far, we could always walk there." Except it IS that far! And let's keep in mind, it's winter in Omaha, Nebraska... it's freakin cold outside. But Echo and I, pretty much wasted, are wearing only very light, slighty-slutty, bar-scene clothing and complaining because "It's HOT!!!" Echo is saying this while she continues to roll on my car. I have no idea why she's rolling on my car. (She doesn't know why either.) But the next day I find out that she actually left a dent in that spot she was rolling on at my front side-panel (above the wheel).

Granted, I drive a little practically-made-out-of-an-aluminum-can Kia Rio, but Echo is not a big girl! Can you imagine the sheer force required to leave such a large dent in a car for a little chick like her!? It's like she body-slammed herself into the side of my car. I mean, usually you get dents from, oh say, OTHER CARS. But not me... I get dents from DRUNK ROLLING FRIENDS!

Anyway, so I end up calling a friend of ours to come and get us and drive us home. We were about 10 minutes from either walking home or calling my mom. Seriously, those are equal punishments in our eyes. Apparently walking 15+ blocks in the freezing winter night and dying from pneumonia two days later is equivalent to lowering ourselves to middle school status and calling Mommy to come pick us up.

About a half hour after we get home, the real fun begins.

And in the morning:

Echo: "Jen, did I just walk in the bathroom last night and get sick?"

Me: "Actually dude, you freakin crawled."

Echo: "Oh my god. I kinda remember that now."

Me: "Don't feel bad. I did the exact same thing."

Monday, November 27, 2006

I wish I may.

Dude, seriously, my wishlist at Froogle works approximately 12% of the time. So, I joined the rest of the world finally and signed up at Amazon for my wishlist instead.

And found a few things (not) worth mentioning:

Ice Cream in a Ball
Have you ever wanted ice cream really really badly, but you didn't want to stop playing catch?

"With the unique Play & Freeze Ice Cream Maker, you can make ice cream anywhere! You dont need electricity, just add ice and rock salt in one end and ice cream mix in the other end, then have a ball as you shake it, pass it or roll it!"
Oh my god. Does anyone else think this looks like a hamster ball? I cannot believe this thing comes in multiple colors. What freak actually finds this 'ice cream ball' and says to themselves, "You know, I really wish I had 6 playful colors to choose from, because the blue ice cream ball is just not worth $39.95, but I think an orange one would be." This is almost the stupidest product on all of Amazon.

When Tennis and Cheese Collide

I love tennis. I love creamy cheese spread. Why in the hell can't we merge these two?


Product Features
  • Cheese Spreader
  • Tennis Design
Lovely description. What bothers me most is that there are 4 of them. Like you need a whole set of Tennis Cheese Spreaders to make your life complete.

Spam gets 4 new names

Naturally, this offends me on many levels. But I'll try and put my bias aside...
Alligator, Rattlesnake and more! Exotic and unforgettable food gift! Wild game just got wilder. Here's 4 cans of meat for your wildest, wooliest meat connoisseur to enjoy. He can try Smoked Rattlesnake, Cajun-style Alligator, Buffalo Au Jus and Elk Au Jus. It's a taste of the wild side, all ready to heat and serve!
Okay, the description made me laugh my ass off. "Wild game just got wilder" IN A CAN?! Not only are you not a 'wild, wooly, manly-man' because you are buying meat in a can (which you will heat up in the microwave), but also: holy god, don't you kill enough animals on a regular basis?! Do you really need to pretend that you've had alligator and elk? Don't kid yourself... there are 4 differently seasoned Spam chunks in those cans. Bon Appetite!

Advertising the obvious

Whoa. This is not very nice on so many levels...

"This is a great sweatshirt. Great gift."
Uh, great gift? I don't think the "Kiss Me, I'm Ugly" sentiment will go over too well with Grammy this holiday season. Or anyone. Maybe get it for yourself, if you have very little self-esteem. But don't expect many kisses.

The Depressing Coffee Mug

Nothing beats a hot cup of coffee and a mug that will
make you cry first in the morning!
This one makes a great gift too! They ought to have it boxed in a set with the 'Kiss me, I'm ugly' hoodie. Can you throw in an eating disorder with that?

Remember folks, there are less than 30 shopping days left until X-mas 2006!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The world is in peril.

Because I was not online for chat for 10 minutes...
I got this email from Nadine:

Subject: This is an email message for Jennifer [last name]
Calling all Jenny's! Calling all Jenny's! Calling all Jenny's!

Message Head:
Calling all Jenny's!
Where are you Jenny? The world is in peril! Nadine is BORED!!!!! (Screams of horror from all over the globe!)

And my reply:

Calling all Nadine's! Calling all Nadine's! Calling all Nadine's!
Message Head: Calling all Nadine's!

Body: Suck it!

Signed: Jenny

And to satisfy my Nintendo Wiithdrawals here's a cute console-release comic from

Monday, November 20, 2006

Hey, you got white-out on your face.

Before you ask... No, I didn't get a Wii. I will though. Soon. Mark my words.
(Also, thank you for all your words of sympathy from the previous post. I appreciate it. It was nice to come back to so many kind words.)

Now, ahem:

Okay, really, what is wrong with people!?

I came into work today all dressed up nice-and-purty, because apparently some guy was coming in to look at buying our company. (This is actually
good news.)

My coworker comes in with this form that been filled out and written all over, and is noticeably a copy of a copy of a copy... basically, it looks like hell.

She says,
"Mr. Scary Boss wants you to use white-out to erase all the writing and marks on this form. Then copy it so it looks brand new."

I say,
"It would be faster for me to re-type the whole thing. And it would look better." I hold up a copy to remind her that our piece-of-crap copy machine spits out every single copy completely crooked on the page. "And then we'd have a real nice copy saved on my computer for future use."

She says,
"He wants you to use white-out."

I say,
"Or I could even scan it, pull it into Photoshop, and erase all the marks. That would be faster and look better. This is what we bought the scanner for. Remember, the scanner?" I blow an inch of dust off the $250 scanner next to me, that Mr. Scary Boss insisted we buy, even though I told him, "We will never use it. Let's get the $40 scanner."

She says,
"He wants you to use white-out."

I clench my jaw and say,
"Will do."

A half an hour later, I have whited-out all the writing and marks on the form. (It would have taken me 5-10 minutes to retype it. Or 7-10 minutes to rescan and edit it in photoshop.) My bottle of white-out is empty and I feel like I just wasted 30 minutes of my life because my boss is a moron. Almost the entire page is covered in white-out, making it 3 times heavier than a normal piece of paper. I go to the copier and slide it through.

Not only does it copy totally crooked on the page, but the original tries to jam half-way through because it's so thick from the fresh coat of white-out I slathered on it.

My desk-calendar and my fingers are covered in white-out as well. I'm thinking about going to wash the white-out off my hands in the restroom, when Mr. Scary Boss comes in the front door (bosses get to come in whenever they feel like it), and starts me on another project that "has to get done ASAP" (he was supposed to do it himself 5 week ago).

So I figure: Hell, I might as well wear the white-out fingers as a Badge-of-Effing-Honor after what I just did for this moron. If he even tries to comment on my white-stained fingers, I'll just grind it into his face that I spent over 30 minutes painting the Sistine Chapel of White-Out on his ratty old form from 1967.

My unpaid half-hour lunch time comes around (the only break I get all day), and I go out to Subway to pick up a salad for lunch. I go in, talk a bit with the Subway guys, take my salad, and go back to work. Before I go to eat my lunch, I run into the restroom to wash the freakin white-out off my hands that I had forgotten about. I am washing my hands in the sink... I look up at myself in the mirror... yes. Yeah, I hope you're following me here...

I have a large smear of white-out on my cheek and a small smudge on my forehead.

No one told me. Not my coworkers, not my boss, not even the freakin people at Subway! And don't tell me that the white-out blended in with my skin. I'm plenty pale, but
I am not that pale, people.

Just one considerate person could have helped me out. ONE PERSON could have just said:

"Hey, you got white-out on your face."

Thanks for nothing, bitches!

Next time I see one of my moron coworkers with a giant "KICK ME" sign on their back, I'm not saying a word. Not a word! Granted, I probably put it there. But... that's not the point. The point is I'm not telling anyone anything to be considerate. Because I freaking had white-out all over my face for almost 4 1/2 hours and people were probably thinking, "Oh god, Jenny's got white shit on her face. I hope that's white-out" and "Aww, I didn't think they let 'special' people play with white-out. That's sweet."

Please, folks, next time you see some clueless girl who obviously does not realize her fly is undone, her hair is going in 14 different directions, she's got an entire piece of pie in her front teeth, OR she's got white-out all over her face... please please please, for the love of god, pull her aside and quietly make her aware of her social retardation.

I still don't know what day it is.

Guess what, it's Web comic Monday!
(Shut up, I know.)

Today's comics are by the charmingly strange Max Cannon at Red Meat comics.

My favorite character he draws is called Bug-Eyed Earl, so I'm posting 5 of my all-time favorites with Earl.

Ahaha!! Creepy.

Previous web comic tuesdays:
Oct 30th, 2006: Let's Pretend it's Tuesday!
Oct 17th, 2006: People search for my blog!?

(Real post to follow! I promise-ish.)

Friday, November 17, 2006

Default away message.

There was a death in my family on Wednesday so I won't be around to post anything until maybe Monday from work. Everything is fine, I just have a lot to deal with and won't even be around a computer. I have major withdrawal symptoms already from both the computer and non-family life forms. I also gnawed through my restraints this morning. Yummy.

Uhm, yeah...

I promise an never-before-seen level of fun & excitement on Monday's entry, that will make up for an entire week without me!! You might spaz out from the joy of it. I would wear protective gear.

I'm also trying this new 'exaggerating' thing to make new friends... how do you like it so far!?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Searches that lead to my blog.

You don't realize how freaky people on the internet are until you see what they're searching for. With a lot of site counters like StatCounter, Google Analytics, and SiteMeter, you can view the "keywords" that led someone to your website through a search engine.

Since I talk quite a bit about the Nintendo Wii and being a geek girl in general, I wasn't shocked by this one. In fact, multiple searches relating to the Wii release and/or buying a Wii in Omaha come to my site on Google. Like so:

And if you don't know how to spell Carpentry, yet still want a job in the UK in that field, search using
AOL in the UK for the words "carpentrey jobs" and my site will appear at this entry where I mock a guy that contacted Echo and was kinda slow. It comes up at the 2nd result:

Here's where it starts to get weird, folks. If you search for "serial killers pretend to love animals" on, my recent entry on internet dating will be the 3rd result. Nice. I just don't want to know why this person is searching for those words...

And finally, thanks to Nadine... if for some strange reason you search for "peeing that long" on
Google, my site will be the 1st result with this entry of an absolutely insane conversation with Nadine. Yes, I am #1 in "peeing that long"... that is a title that I hold very near and dear to my heart. Check it out:

It is a really strange world out there. I sincerely hope all you new visitors get your spell checkers working, further investigate your new serial killer neighbor who pretends to like your dog but is really plotting against you, and for sure get that peeing issue looked at by a trained professional. Ya'll got issues.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

What the Blog!?

Okay. I thought of a name I like a lot for the blogging community thing.

It's called What the Blog!?

To learn more and/or become a member go to:

I am still updating/adding to this by the minute though, especially today. So I will update (very briefly) on here this week if there are major changes.

Here's some more buttons I made up real quick just to have some to post up! I am trying to make a variety so everyone will like them. (Description & credits of buttons found at More buttons can be seen on the official site!

Go there! Sign up!

Monday, November 13, 2006

Tag #6: Book excerpt tag thing

I know, it's my second post of the day and you're all "damn Jen you always post twice when you have the least to say". Well, quit yer bitchin!! You chose to come here, you should know better. Now just listen up.

I was tagged by
Mairin, of Tales from the Trenches, a little while ago and I kinda forgot about it until just now. It's a cute, unique taggy-post (meme) too.

Here are the rules:

Grab the nearest book. If you are currently reading something, that'll be fine too.

2. Open the book to page 123.

3. Find the 5th sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 4 sentences on your Blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag 5 people.

And here's what I have:

Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I'm Kissing You Good-Bye!
by Cynthia Heimel

It's true that people grow older, more sophisticated, but nobody ever matures past age eighteen. The same feelings persist. The way we acted then is the way we act now, even though our braces no longer lock when we kiss.

Okay, so what does a teenaged girl do when she's crazy for a guy?

Okay that's it. Short and sweet. And by the way, Cynthia Heimel is
hilarious. Her books are a necessity for every chick on earth. She's most known for her 80's book on sex advice for girls, which I haven't read. Here's some of her other books that I like/own:

Ha ha ha, bitchy sarcasm as its best! Oh, I went off on a tangent and forgot that I'm supposed to tag 5 people... I still don't think I know 5 people to tag. I still only know 3, maybe 4 people that I wouldn't be too shy to tag. Yes, too shy to tag. I'm neurotic, even on blogger. So, I vaguely tag whoever is reading something good right now. Do it.

Shoes, shoes, shoes.

I've narrowed down my shoe selections... It's gonna be really hard to choose.

These are all-synthetic/man-made materials. Entirely vegetarian/vegan shoes!! Can you tell I like black skate shoes? Yeah, I really do. I'm partial toward any and all Vans, as you may very well know, since I
gave away all of my beloved non-vegetarian Vans recently and it almost made me cry. But the Macbeths are really cute too. It's going to be really hard to decide.

Oh man, I love shoes.

Blog Network Update:
I'll work on the stuffs tomorrow while I'm off of work and can devote some time to it. I like a couple of the ideas you guys suggested, so that gets me thinking. :) I know I need to start on the buttons first because I'm just a really visual person. Once I create a few button designs that I like a lot it'll be easier to make up a name. I'm guessing the whole generalized theme will be rant-related.

I hope ya'll will want to join up after I make the pretty pretty buttons. Yeah, I said 'ya'll'. But I don't really talk like that.

Watch for updates on this tomorrow, fellow bloggers!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Links and blog networking junk.

It's been a little while since I've looked at my super-filled sidebar and updated my links.

So I did today. Yay! Ch-ch-check 'em out!

Also, I was looking online and on Blogger for a 'webring' of sorts. Okay, so that is the old school word for it. But basically I wanna join a kind of "blogging network" because those things make you feel cool. Like a blog-club or some junk. I searched for a vegetarian blog network, but no luck. Then I searched for a Midwestern network. No dice.

What the hell, dude? Am I bad at searching, or are there just not enough networks to join out there?

So, I was thinking maybe I should start my OWN damn network and then people will be all like, "Oh Jen Jen Jen! Can I join your Super Cool Fun Bloggers Blogging in Their Blogs Club?!"

And I will be all like, "Well... I guess so. But only if you are super, cool, fun, you blog about super cool fun shit, and also if you must promise to be my friend forever and ever."

And they'll be all like, "Oh yeah? That sounds worth it."

And I'd be all like, "Okay, sign here... and here. And an initial here. A drop of blood here. First born child here. Aaaaaaaand you're in!"

So anyway, I'm trying to come up with a good theme and/or name for the blog network before I make a new blog and start promoting it. And by promoting I mean sitting at my computer staring at the screen waiting for more than 2 people to sign up.

Anyway, maybe if you feel really creative you could help me think of a topic and/or name for this blog network. Leave your idea(s) in the comments section. But don't say "make it a vegetarian network" because then seriously no one would join except for me and Mikala (congrats on your 3 days... let me know if you need any help/encouragement/advice! I know it's really hard. Especially when the beef jerky starts talking to you. It happens, you'll see.)
So I just want it to be less exclusive than that.

I want to make buttons too. So you can put them on your site when you become a member and totally whore it out for me on your sidebar so that more people will sign up.

Rules at the bar.

Tiffany's rules for proper etiquette at your local bar or restaurant:
(she's a bartender, she knows these things.)

1. do not enter a restaurant and expect a table for 6 or more people without a reservation.

do not ask for separate checks for parties of 6 or more. if you are in a smaller party and will require separate checks, make sure to let your server know BEFORE ordering your food.

never touch your waitperson. EVER!!!!!

i don't care how bad you need a side of mayo or an extra napkin, NEVER walk up to your waitperson and interrupt him/her while they are engaged at another table. EVER. seriously.

When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails. (this one i agree is just THE POLITE thing to do, but not a stead-fast rule. at least not at my bar.)

Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile; do not get the bartender's attention by waving money around, yelling (especially if he/she is talking someone's order or has his/her back to you), slamming your glass on the bar, whistling at, or touching the bartender.

Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

If she buys you a drink, she likes you. or she might just be being polite because you bought her a drink and she's returning the favor. women are mysterious. deal with it.

If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up.

Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked. (Ahem!)

25. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

26. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response. (Does the bouncer count?!)

Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar. (Now if only people would follow this advice!!)

Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

If you hesitate more than five seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink. it is extremely rude to stand at the bar looking like you're about to have a stroke from the anxiety of whether you will be waited on next or not, and then not know what you want to order when the bartender gets to you.

Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way. (No one at Eli's understands this concept.)

34. 15% is the new 10%.

Thanks again, Tiffany. Aaaaand I have a couple of my own:

If you bring in your purse, wallet, shoes, keys, shirt, etc you are fully responsible for your own crap. If you take off your shoes and leave them under your table or forget your keys at the booth while you go to dance, keep in mind the bar staff is not your personal Lost and Found. If you don't wanna lose it, don't bring it in.

If the D.J. is talking over the top of your favorite song while you are dancing, just chill the hell out man!! Don't scream at him to shut up. He can't hear you, but the other people dancing can. It's not the end of the world, and damnit EVERY SONG IS YOUR FAVORITE, DRUNK ASS.

Don't make out with strangers at the bar that you frequent on a regular basis, just because you are too drunk to understand what they are saying and want to shut them up. You will regret it. (And more than likely your best friend will have to keep this person from taking you home with him.)

38. If you fall out of your chair more than twice within the same hour, you need to either A. leave the bar, you've had enough or B. go sit in a booth where you (hopefully) will not be able to fall out of your seat. :)

Do NOT rest your head on the toilet seat in the restroom in ANY public place, let alone at a bar. If you need to lay your head down, the floor is cleaner. (I swear to god, this one is not about me.)

Do not drunkenly tell two girls that are making out in the restroom that "you should not be doing that"... they will immediately be 10-seconds from kicking your ass. In fact, don't try and convey your ideas to anyone for any reason. Keep your drunk dumbass opinions to yourself or risk getting in a bar fight with other drunk dumbasses. (Actually, what I meant was that they were sitting up on the sink while making out, partially blocking both the paper towel area and the second sink. I don't care if they make out, but just do it in a more considerate area.)

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Clueless wasn't just a movie.

I'm decided I'd try really hard to write something real today instead of just taggy-posts and photos of puppies. I thought I'd share with you a few of my online dating experiences from the past. If you haven't tried online dating, don't read this because it may keep you from ever trying it. And although I have some pretty bad stories, I have some pretty amazing ones as well. :) As a self-admitted geek girl, I am a good bait in the sea of online-dating. And usually that's the best place to find fellow geeks.

But that doesn't mean I want the freaks too:

  • The Vague Guy
This guy messages me after I've been on the site for about a week. His message says only this:
it looks like we have a lot in common, check out my profile. write back if you're interested.

So I go to read his profile, and it reads as follows...

Looking for girl with common interests.
Interests: I like everything.
I like to have fun.

Seriously, that is all it said. Read it again if you didn't get it. He's looking for a girl with common interests... and he likes everything?! Uhm.
Come on buddy, just admit that you are looking for ANY girl. You're not fooling anyone.

And who the hell doesn't like having fun? When people say they like to have fun in their profiles, my reply is usually "I don't like fun, sorry. It would never work out."

  • The Superficial Serial Killer
Okay, so this guy messages me and actually sounds like he owns and fully operates a Personality. However, this isn't always a good thing.

Chat with him went something like this:

Me, casually:
so, what are you into?
Superficial Serial Killer Guy, replies: well [insert normal interests here]... and I also am really into serial murders.
Me, confused:
what do you mean by that? (thinking: Am I on Candid Camera?!)
Superficial Serial Killer Guy
, appearing to be quite serious: i chose to do this paper in grade school about serial killers and ever since then i have been doing a ton of research on various cases. i even correspond with a few prisoners on a regular basis that are currently awaiting sentencing. it's really interesting to hear their side of the story.

their side of the story? Ya know what...
There usually isn't
any other side to hear but theirs, since THE OTHER SIDE IS DEAD.

Well, besides this he seems... normal. I guess. I decide (stupidly) to ignore this "unique and quirky" interest and try and get to know him better before judging him. (FOOL!) I haven't told him anything personal about me and he can't kill me over yahoo messenger (though I'm sure they're working on this technology), so I feel pretty safe just talking to him more.

However, this finishes it:

Superficial Serial Killer Guy: You've seen my photo, do you have a photo to share?
Me, still ignoring the killer thing:
Sure thing.
[I send a couple photos through yahoo picture chat.]
[He looks at photos.]
Superficial Serial Killer Guy: Well, you're not ugly.

I wish I was making this up.

Me, completely shocked: What?
Superficial Serial Killer Guy:
You know, you're not stunning or anything but you're not unnattractive. I'm just being honest.
Me, pretty effing pissed:
Uhm. Excuse the hell out of me. It's real nice to hear that I'm "not ugly" and everything, but honesty is not an excuse for being an asshole. There are more tactful ways of saying it, like "you're not my type" or ANYTHING but "well, you're not ugly".
Superficial Serial Killer Guy:
Sometimes the truth hurts.
Me, preparing to block him:
Well, the truth is that you're a psycho and you can't really afford to be picky.

Blocked! This stunning bitch likes getting the last word.

  • The Guy My Friends Scared Away
There was nothing really wrong with this guy, he just got scared off because my friends are INSANE. I can't say that I blame him. I was 18 and had just broken up with a guy who hurt me pretty bad, so all my friends were in Extremely-Protective Mode.

He and I went out to dinner at McFoster's Natural Kind Cafe (he thought it was very cool that I was vegetarian). He was a total gentlemen, we talked a ton and meshed really well, and then he drove me home. We get to my house and we're lingering in the driveway because he's obviously working up the nerve to kiss me goodnight.

A car pulls up in front of my house, and one of my friends
(now a former friend, but not because of this) gets out, and it's painfully obvious she only showed up in order to check him out. She made up a really lame excuse on why she stopped by and I glared at her until she left.

Okay, so he and I recovered quickly from that awkward moment, and even laughed it off. However, about 5 minutes later another car pulls up. It's a different friend this time, showing up to check on me with yet another lame excuse. At the point, I am just mortified. These things are not supposed to happen after you pass a certain age, like say, age 12.

And I can tell that this guy is thinking "Uhm okay this chick is too immature/crazy or her friends are... I'm going to end up dating her friends too, like we're in freakin middle school." I'm sure that at any minute he was expecting another of my friends to show up, or worse yet to find my parents hiding in the backseat of his car.

Suffice it to say, he never called me again.
I wouldn't have called me either!

  • The Clueless Countryboy
This story is not for the faint of heart. There's some descriptive gore involved. I mean it.

I talked to this guy via email after he messaged me. He was from a really small farming town somewhere in Nebraska. (This was before I learned my lesson about long distance and hadn't yet changed my profile to exclude people outside of Omaha or very nearby.) He seemed nice enough, although quite rough around the edges. His spelling and grammar were atrocious, but I didn't hold it against him. I try really hard not to be a total freaking bitch about spelling and grammar. I make mistakes too... I'm not an English professor or a professional writer or anything even close to that. Sometimes all it takes is that I'm smart enough to use the effing spellcheck.

Anyway, we discuss my vegetarianism in the first couple emails. He's never met a veg*ian and so I tell him a little about why I am one. He seems to understand and is quite accepting. Then, we exchange photos...

He sends me 3-4 different photos of himself, but the last photo is the one he comments... (spelling/punctuation/grammar has been dramatically corrected)...

"Here is me with my latest kill. Check out that beauty."

The photo shows him with a large hunting rifle, standing over the carcass of a freshly killed deer. There is blood
everywhere. I can even see what appears to be the source of most of the blood... there is a large wound directly on the top of the deer's head.

First of all... how the hell do you shoot a deer directly on the TOP of its head? Was he high up above it on a hill or ridge and shot down? Or did he shoot the deer in the head after the initial kill in order to make the photograph MORE MANLY. "Ugh ugh kill kill, ugh me shoot in head."

Anyway, second of all... we had literally just finished talking my being a long-time vegetarian and that the entire reason was because I LOVE ANIMALS. So, he sent me a photo of him after he'd killed one, expecting me to be impressed?

My email reply to Clueless Countryboy: Uhm, those are good photos, except the last one is kind of scary... Is that real?

Clueless Countryboy's reply to this (writing has been vastly corrected): Scary, huh? Never heard it called that before. Of course it's real, that was my favorite kill too. We had Bambi jerky for a month.

#1. I'm a girl he's trying to impress (or maybe not), and his way of doing that is to show me a blood-filled photo of a cute little completely dead deer he just killed.
#2. I'm a vegetarian and he's bragging not only about killing an animal but also about gobbling it up afterwards. (I guess I would prefer it go to use since he's already killed it, but... that's really not the point at all.)

Uhm, okay, so he's a little... slow. Nothing wrong with that, right? Okay, we're talking slower than Forest Gump here, people. We're talking dropped-multiple-times-as-a-baby slow, I think. I didn't bother explaining again to him the reasons why I was horrified/disgusted. I told him that I wasn't interested in talking with him anymore because of the distance and completely different interests/beliefs/etc. Which is entirely the truth, because I am interested in mellow acoustic folk music, Nintendo, and playing with my dog Molly... and he's interested in shooting at living things and smearing their blood on his face while he beats his chest like an ape.

So I don't think it would have worked out.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Another reminder that I don't do anything.

My 5th tag.

Taggy-thing from Tiffany.

You're supposed to bold the things that you have done... check it out: I have done 39 out of 150. Which is slightly more than I thought I would have marked off on this list. Yay, I surprise myself.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink ... I would but I'm usually broke by the time I get drunk enough to want to do this.
02. Swam with wild dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain ... not technically, unless you count a car ride up a mountain.
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

08. Said “I love you” and meant it

09. Hugged a tree

10. Bungee jumped

11. Visited Paris

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
... just once, after my Junior prom.
14. Seen the Northern Lights

15. Gone to a huge sports game (and survived the crush afterwards) ... I don't even know what this means.

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
... used to grow tomatos and parsley.
18. Touched an iceberg

19. Slept under the stars ...
my house is underneath the stars though.
20. Changed a baby’s diaper

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne
... It was nasty-ass pink champagne too. And I have done this TWICE. Apparently I didn't learn the first time.
24. Given more than you can afford to charity

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

27. Had a food fight

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger

30. Had a snowball fight

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

34. Ridden a roller coaster
... just recently.
35. Hit a home run ...
does kickball count?! Cuz I rocked the kickball at recess!
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
... I have to be drinking a lot to do this though.
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment

39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Visited all 50 states

41. Taken care of someone who was drunk

42. Had amazing friends
... I still do.
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country ...
how about "danced with a stranger FROM a foreign country". Or Walleye.
44. Watched wild whales

45. Stolen a sign ...
not a sign, but an orange construction cone.
46. Backpacked in Europe.

47. Taken a road-trip

48. Gone rock climbing

49. Midnight walk on the beach

50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Ireland

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them

54. Visited Japan

55. Milked a cow

56. Alphabetized your CDs

57. Pretended to be a superhero
... when I was little. Not recently, unless you count Awesome Girl.
58. Sung karaoke
... On St Patrick's Day after multiple shots, I sang Madonna's "Like a Virgin" with a complete stranger.
59. Lounged around in bed all day
... I have had my fill of this from my surgery recovery crap (well over 2 years ago).
60. Played touch football

61. Gone scuba diving

62. Kissed in the rain

63. Played in the mud

64. Played in the rain

65. Gone to a drive-in theater

66. Visited the Great Wall of China

67. Started a business

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
... this can be easy for me. It depends on the guy/situation.
69. Toured ancient sites

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

72. Gotten married

73. Been in a movie

74. Crashed a party

75. Gotten divorced

76. Gone without food for 5 days

77. Made cookies from scratch

78. Won first prize in a costume contest

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice

80. Gotten a tattoo

81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”

83. Got flowers for no reason

84. Performed on stage ...
my worst fear ever.
85. Been to Las Vegas

86. Recorded music

87. Eaten shark ...
no, but I ate squid jerky my uncle brought back from Korea when I was 8 or 9 (pre-vegetarian). It was still perfectly in it's normal squid-shape and everything.
88. Kissed on the first date
... I prefer to if I like the guy.
89. Gone to Thailand

90. Bought a house

91. Been in a combat zone

92. Buried one/both of your parents

93. Been on a cruise ship

94. Spoken more than one language fluently ...
took French for 5 years and learned practically nothing.
95. Performed in Rocky Horror

96. Raised children

97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
... every single day.
103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived

105. Wrote articles for a large publication

106. Lost over 100 pounds

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback

108. Piloted an airplane

109. Touched a stingray

110. Broken someone’s heart
... it's a part of life.
111. Helped an animal give birth

112. Won money on a T.V. game show

113. Broken a bone

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
... yes, fired a hunting rifle or something at targets in Outdoor Education class in 6th grade. It was in this class that I was first reunited with Nadine too! (I did not shoot her.)
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
... best. mushrooms. ever.
118. Ridden a horse
... once in Outdoor Education class in 6th grade, and again at a friend's farm in 10th grade.
119. Had major surgery
... yay! back surgery!
120. Had a snake as a pet

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours ...
I've been really really close.
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states

124. Visited all 7 continents

125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

126. Eaten kangaroo meat

127. Eaten sushi

128. Had your picture in the newspaper

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about ...
only in the sense that some of my friends and family no longer think that I'm completely insane about not eating meat. I'm not sure if that counts.
130. Gone back to school
... after dropping out of highschool and getting a GED (long story), I finally went back to school to get a college degree. Because I was very scared I would be working retail or fast food my whole life without one. Annnnnd my parents made me.
131. Parasailed

132. Touched a cockroach

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes

134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey ...
this was the ONLY book assigned in school that I actually read.
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
... Maya Angelou
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

137. Skipped all your school reunions ...
I haven't done this... YET.
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
... yeah, customers and/or a few of my coworkers. It's Omaha, this is almost a daily occurance.
139. Been elected to public office

140. Written your own computer language

141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

143. Built your own PC from parts

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you

145. Had a booth at a street fair

146. Dyed your hair

147. Been a DJ

148. Shaved your head

149. Caused a car accident
... I lightly scraped bumpers with a lady because I didn't yield to her like I should have. It was literally my FIRST DAY driving my new car without an adult at age 16. I was all by myself, driving home from a guitar lesson. She was going straight at the light and I was turning left in front of her. She had the right away, but because she wasn't moving forward at all at first, I (stupidly) assumed she was waiting to turn without her turn-signal or that she had a red light. I started to turn left in front of her, and got most of the way in the lane when she started to go forward towards me. We both stopped completely and I realized that if I didn't finish going left I would be completely in her way anyway. But she was still creeping forward too, and I thought I had enough room to get by her (I have lame depth perception and also I was panicking), but instead I very slowly scraped our bumpers together as I finished my left turn. She got out and was screaming at me in another language and the only words she said in English weren't nice either... I was sobbing after a while of this, and she wouldn't even let me use her cell phone to call my mom. When the officer came to the scene he examined the "damage" to my teeny Ford Escort and to her gianormous SUV (there was some dirt/dust, and completely miniscule scratches) and he asked the lady to just let things go because there was not enough damage to warrant any kind of follow-up at all, but she insisted that I get a ticket for something. That was my one-and-only accident caused by me. Okay, I had to tell that story... moving on...
150. Saved someone’s life
... I helped save my dad's life around March 2006 by promptly calling an ambulance and keeping him from passing out by patting his face and talking to him. He had 2 blood clots that had travelled to his lungs (we found out later), and he could have died if we hadn't reacted so quickly. I only played that small part though, thank god, because the paramedics and firemen arrived within 3-4 minutes of my phone call (although it feels like an excruciatingly long time when someone you love is having an out-of-the-blue, unidentified attack right in front of your eyes). The firemen and paramedics took over from there and did an absolutely excellent job.

jen: i thought maybe i would have to postpone that on you tonight, but our study group is going to be next Monday now
nadine: STUDY GROUP?
nadine: YOU AREN'T IN A STUDY GROUP9:49 AM jen: yeah, he and I are going to go to this new study group on Monday nights.
9:50 AM jen: it's like a reading/discussion/meditating thing, and who knows what else we'll do. it should be fun, I want to check it out at least.