Ugliest showroom on earth.

I wish I could take photos and post them of the showroom at my work.

Just picture a furniture showroom or interior design showroom and then add 4 tornados, 5 products we don't even sell anymore, 9 broken florescent ceiling lights, a handful of water-damaged ceiling tiles, 3 fake plants possibly from the 80's, and 67 out-of-date fabric books possibly from the 70's.

I really would take some photos, but I want to distance my real life from my blog as much as possible. I can only imagine the crap I would get into if my boss found this blog. Oh lord. And who what company would hire me if they googled my name and found this thing? Oy.

An awesome company, that's who.

Anyway, my point is that our showroom is the fugliest showroom on earth. The end.

Another day like this.

I do know what's up with me lately. But I feel like such a burden talking about it. I'm just not the type to talk about things that are wrong with me. I'm more of a listener, when other people have problems. I always lecture myself that I should not bottle things up, especially with my family and closest friends. But I still do it.

I know that there's something wrong with my Zoloft (anti-depressant), but I feel a little helpless at the moment on what to do about it. A couple weeks ago I upped it from 25mg to 50mg because I finally realized what was wrong with me, and I felt I was doing better immediately after. I realize this bout of "seasonal depression" (that's what the doc called it... though I've heard different theories from her before, and on my records it's officially "low-grade clinical depression") is part of why I haven't posted blog entries very much this past couple months. (I really have been busy, but not so busy that I wouldn't do the things I like to do) When I started feeling better after raising my dosage, I started writing more.

But today I was a wreck over insane little things. (Update: I'm better now, but I did write this while I was not doing well.) Like, I was reading someone's blog about their fight against cancer and that made me start crying. I know that sounds like a normal reaction, but trust me, it's far from normal for me. I'm the type that doesn't even cry at funerals or when I have a good reason to cry. It takes a lot for me to cry, and when I do it's usually just tears welling-up, but never actually falling down my face.

And then later, I was looking at MySpace pages of people I went to highschool with (mostly people that I didn't like in highschool) and that made me start crying and feeling sorry for myself (Update: WHY!?). Then, talking to my mom about dinner made me almost start crying again. I'm crying right now, just thinking of how insane it is for me to be crying over such things.

Nobody wants to feel like their emotions are out of their control. That's how I feel when my anti-depressant stops working (although this does not happen often). And I really feel like that's not the person I should be. I'm so normal otherwise... how is it that I ended up having this disease of chronic sadness? (Update: I'm not trying to be all dramatic and oh-woe-is-me here, because I know things could be worse... once again I feel like this isn't really me talking here.) I have so much to be happy about and nothing in my life is worth crying over. I never cry when the med is working.

Here are my thoughts:

1. I can up my dose from 50mg to 75mg, as I've already discussed doing with my doctor. If it doesn't get better, something else is wrong, which leads me to my 2nd thought:

2. It seems to me that I've had most of these sad-episodes on the weekends, particularly on Sundays. I really do see a pattern. It's always after I've left the boyfriend's house, and I'm alone in front of my computer all day working on my "projects" (like, what the blog!?, finding a better job, building an online portfolio, playing with logos, etc) or just catching up on my internet-fixes (see sidebar for links). These specific episodes might be because I always drink on Friday nights with Nadine & Joe and perhaps that cancels out my Zoloft, which would account for the regular bout of sadness once a week. I know this might be hard to hear for some of you, but... I may be giving up drinking. I was planning on giving it up anyway when I move in with the boyfriend someday, because frankly, alcohol is not as important to me as he is. (That was a little hard to admit, lol. kidding!) But I may do it on a trial-basis now to see how it effects my moods.

(Update: I guess I'll do this after next weekend though... because that's when I'm going out to the bars with Echo and Katie. Lol... no rush for my well-being or anything. Hah. Well, I haven't been out in a looooong time, and I haven't seen Echo since Thanksgiving Eve and I haven't seen Katie since... her wedding last year? [I don't remember when for sure.] Anyway, in the meantime, I'm just gonna up my dose and see how that goes.)

More update: I tried talking myself out of posting this entry, but I guess I lost the battle. I didn't want it to be miscontrued as fishing for pity or being overly dramatic or over-sharing or whatever neurotic thing I could possibly worry about. I guess because I've been reading a lot of other blogs that are so much more honest about themselves than I am. They don't seem to be pretending like everything is just hunky-dorey when it's not, which I think is just plain awesome of them. (Also, they don't say lame-ass things like hunky-dorey... and that's why I have only 3 readers.) So I thought I'd try ditching that whole Pretending-Like-Everything's-Just-Peachy schtick for once. Uhhh, I dunno how that's gonna work out for me. I swear I will post something really soon after this so it's not the first depressing-ass thing you see when you open my blog.

We've been friends too long.

We're really, really strange people.
(P.S. aren't my new earrings cuuute!? i got the green ones because they were out of pink.)

Nadine: your earings came in

Jen: earrings?

Nadine: yes, the ones you ordered.

Nadine: the lego onesNadine: with the fake diamond

Jen: ohhh, they came in already? sweet.

Nadine: i know

1:22 PM Jen: okay, i owe you money

Nadine: but the earrings are all BIG

Jen: for real?

Nadine: well mine are

Jen: i bet they're not big, you're an ear wuss.

Nadine: YOU ARE.

Nadine: they all have fake pearls on them too

1:24 PM Jen: oh.

Jen: sucky. Jen: well, didn't you know there were pearls?Jen: maybe you didn't look close enough. Jen: because you're retarded.
Jen: * burp *

Nadine: maybe i didn't CARE

Nadine: * fart *

Jen: lol ew. good lord.

Nadine: lol

Jen: i should blog that

Nadine: LOL ok.

Jen: because we are nasty. and people should know.

and then a few minutes later:

Nadine: dude. where did your blog go?

Nadine: did they erase it?

Jen: what do you mean?

Jen: it's where it's always been

1:45 PM Nadine: no, it isn't

Jen: google's having womanly issues right now

Jen: you just have to check back later. Jen: it's been off and on all day. mood swings, i assume.

Nadine: no, it says that your account was deleted

Jen: you're a bad liar.

Nadine: dude

1:46 PM Jen: you're so retarded

1:48 PM Nadine: i copied and pasted it

Nadine: look, i emailed it to you

Jen: yeah, i really trust you to copy and paste

Nadine: I DID

1:49 PM Jen: right, sure

Jen: liarNadine: I AM NOT

Jen: whatever

Nadine: I am not joking around

Nadine: you need to check
Nadine: dude, i am serious

1:51 PM Jen: oh yeah i just sent you an error message too, i found it on your ass.

Jen: go check your email

1:55 PM Nadine: well suck my ass

Jen: lol

All guys: a flowchart of truth.

10:42 AM Jen: you know you only get hit on by creepy guys and toothless folk.

Nadine: YEAH, WHAT IS THAT?Nadine: GEES!

10:44 AM Jen: i dunno, it's the laws of nature.

10:45 AM Jen: because hot guys are too busy thinking about how hot they are too notice you.Jen: sometimes they pass by mirrors and accidentally hit on themselves. Jen: but that's about as close to hitting on anyone as they get. Jen: here, i will make you a flowchart to illustrate my point.

10:48 AM Nadine: A FLOW CHART

Nadine: I WANNA SEE THIS

(click image to enlarge.)

I should probably do a chicks one too, to be fair.

In the Blogghetto.

Yes, that title is meant to be sung like Cartman singing that Elvis song. Sing along, it will make you feel better about Blogger being a jerkbum.

I will seriously bitchslap Blogger. Why does it torment me so? I hope it works long enough for me to write this, or there will be some kung fu type flailing and middle-fingeredness directed at my monitor.

I know that I kinda disappeared there for a couple weeks. So much so that even my friends have gotten bored and stopped reading my blog. But guess what? My best friend Nadine (you may know her from our frightening chatlogs) is getting married! Her boyfriend Joe proposed yesterday. I love weddings, so I'm really excited. Plus, she already asked me to be her Maid of Honor. Yay!

Anyway, I'm still alive. Just 2 parts busy and 1 part lazy... (and when my 1-part lazy ass goes to write something, Blogger is always 97 parts SUCK.)

Argument with the new Blogger.

Jen: I thought you weren't Beta anymore, Blogger.
Blogger: I'm not.
Jen: Are you sure?
Blogger: Of course I'm sure. I even changed my logo to prove it.
Jen: Cuz ya know... some days it seems like you're not even trying to work correctly.
Blogger: Dude, really. I'm not Beta anymore.
Jen: You really could've fooled me.
Blogger: Look, I always try and tell you in advance when I decide to crap out for a couple hours, right in the exact time-frame that you actually have a free moment to write.
Jen: Your little last-minute "advance" notices mean nothing to me!
Blogger: Ya know what, I get enough complaints from blogs that are actually good, so why don't you just move your blog somewhere else!?
Jen: PLEASE DON'T BE MAD. I LOVE YOU.