Ass hats at work: Cleavage Attack '07.

For those of you lovely readers of my bloggity blog that aren't already awesome... you need to go here and join what the blog!? and then participate in the ass hat awards, which is run entirely by your bestest blogger friends Tiffany, Mikala, and me (you don't need a link to me, you're already HERE!)

Here's my ass hat at work story for the Ass Hat Awards: Numero 3 "Ass Hats At Work"... I'm not eligible to win any awards since I'm a moderator, BUT if I were I think this little ditty would win the boobie-prize. HAHAHAHAHA, get it!?

Ok, read on and you'll get that horrible pun:

My boss called me and another girl about my age into his office last week. He's a very very old crotchety man with horrific social skills and zero consideration for others. He is constantly offending employees and even customers with his blunt, brash manner.

He starts off saying that we both do a good job with the customers, we do well at our work, and yadda yadda. Then...

boss: "I'm just gonna come right out and say this, because you know that I am an upfront kind of guy. I like to be straightforward with people."

other office girl and me nod, completely unaware.

boss: "Now, it's no secret that you young ladies are well-endowed on top..."

me, look of horror: "Uhm."

boss, continuing: "... and sometimes you gals wear tops that are too revealing given your... circumstances."

me: internal organs shutting down.

Just so you know, I do know the difference between "tasteful cleavage" and "raging slut cleavage". The latter is reserved for my boyfriend, and is not on display at work.

Unprofessional boobage:Professional boobage:(P.S. All these tops are from Torrid.com, my favorite store ON EARTH. I don't own any of these tops specifically, but if you wanna buy them for me, please feel free.)

boss: "We have customers come in sometimes and of course there are all the guys who work here too, so we don't want anything like that... distracting them. I'm sure that it does, and if I weren't such an old man, I would be distracted too."

me: vomiting inwardly.

boss, in a mildly scolding tone: "Now, you girls just need to be more careful about covering yourselves up and not showing any cleavage, because we wouldn't want to have another incident like we've had in the past, now would we?"

(this incident he's refering to was from a year or two ago when one of his male warehouse workers solicited one of the female office workers for sex (not me, thank god)... and perhaps solicited is too nice of a word. He basically said to her, "How about me and you f-ck after work today?")

other girl: glancing in my direction with a very frightened look.

me: "Okay." holy frack. anything to leave. anything to leave. anything to leave.

boss: "Alright, thank you girls. That's all, you can go."

Okay. So, let's go down the list of things that qualify my boss for an Ass Hat Award:

1. How dare he make us, two plus-sized young women, feel uncomfortable about our bodies? How dare he make any woman feel self-conscious like that? For those of you who know me, or have read my lingerie horror story at Gordman's, or have seen my online photo gallery, you know I'm a plus-sized girl. How much of a plus, it doesn't even matter.

(If you don't know what I look like, you can email me directly at jenomaha (a) gmail (dot) com and I'll decide on a case by case basis who I want to see my personal photo gallery. I spend a lot of time on SomethingAwful and Fark, I know how people's photos end up all over the internet.)

People, this is the part that makes me most angry. Both myself and the new office girl are bigger girls. She's a bit bigger than me, too. And yes, we're heavy on top.

As any plus-size girl will tell you, it's hard to find cute clothes that you can feel comfy in and still look good. (I know you skinny-bitch-asses are saying "wahh wah wah, why don't you lose some weight then, Tubby McFatterson?" to which I would say GET OFF MY BLOG.)


Comfy plus-sized clothes make us look like sacks of potatoes.

Don't get me wrong, I love being a sack of potatoes at home or with friends. But during work when I'll be meeting customers, or anywhere else in public, I want to look dressy, cool and confident.


Cute, trendy plus-sized clothes are often made in ENTIRELY the wrong way, either in material or shape, and make us look like one or more of the following:

1. the Stay Puft marshmallow man
2. like we are trying to show off our chub and/or be slutty fat chicks
3. the Michelin Man
4. like we don't fracking look in any mirrors when we dress ourselves in the morning.

Since this talk with him, I've felt nothing but awkward in everything I wear to work.

• Is this too revealing?
• Is this too much cleavage?
• If I lean over, will I show more cleavage?
• Will he say something to me again if I don't change my wardrobe to his liking?

2. There was absolutely no reason why he would be the one to talk to us about this. We have a female Office Manager who could have easily been the one to talk to us about this. It would have been far less uncomfortable and awkward for us. What the frack was he thinking trying to tell us himself? He KNOWS his social skills and overall sensitivity is non-existent.

3. As a plus-sized girl who is already terribly self-conscious about her looks, I'd have to say that every single one of my tops accentuates my best asset: my chest.

It's my favorite part of my body, and the only part that I'm not shy or self-conscious about. So, my entire wardrobe is filled with (tasteful, mind you) v-neck tops, semi low-cut tops, and some less-than-tasteful low-cut tops (these majorly low-cut tops never go to work though).

So, tell me, Mr. Boss Ass Hat... How am I going to afford to replace my entire workplace wardrobe on the barely-over-minimum-wage pay I get from your cheap ass?

4. I'm being asked to "cover up" because the pigs he hires to work in the warehouse might sexually harass me!? Excuse me, Mr. Boss Ass Hat, did you really just imply that it would be my fault if that were to happen?

Are you really saying that if we cover up our cleavage, that the asshat workers you've hired won't be total and complete pigs to us!?

WOW. I will be amazed if that works. Truly, I will. I guess I was asking to be sexually harassed all along by wearing such "distracting" clothing.

Maybe I should start wearing a Muslim-inspired shawl around my neck and head, and a dress down to my ankles too? Yes, I should start covering every inch of my body.

Because apparently men can't control themselves when they see skin. And oh, I really shouldn't wear any sandals either, because then I'd be tempting all the foot fetishists out there too!

Tell me, please, that I don't work with the biggest ass hat on earth.

And if that wasn't bad enough...

Here's what just happened ten minutes ago while I was at lunch... I'm eating my bowl of Thai Kitchen mushroom soup with yummy rice noodles and mushroom pieces (a healthy, quick and easy vegetarian lunch!)

And the Boss walks past me and says, "Is that non-fattening, Jennifer?" all accusingly, as if to say "you're fat enough. stop eating."

1. I'm on my 1/2 hour lunch... this is my ONLY time away from YOU. I'd appreciate it if you would refrain from talking to me at this time.
2. How is it any of your goddamn business what I'm eating for lunch?
3. How is my weight any of your concern? You don't even provide any health insurance, so what the hell would you care if I ate myself to death?
4. If by some chance you didn't mean this the way it sounded then WHY DO YOU TALK?
   

Two minutes later... while I'm STILL on lunch, a customer walks in and - surprise surprise! - no one else even fracking acknowledges the customer EXCEPT ME, even though I'm STILL on my lunch.

So I walk over there and start helping him and then, and only then, does My Ass Hat Boss come over and say "Can I help you, sir?" (Totally cutting me off, by the way. I hate that.)

And the guy says, sounding annoyed at the interruption , "She's helping me, thanks." (I love him for saying that. Mr. Customer Man, thank you for looking annoyed with my boss for interrupting me and for saying I was helpful and for recognizing my boss for the ass hat that he is.)

And then the boss laughs and says, "Yeah, but she doesn't know anything."

Oh, you're right. I've only worked here for 3 1/2 years... how could I have possibly retained any information on our products in such a short time? And why is that again? Can someone please tell me why I've wasted 3.5 years of my life at this place?