Sim Animals: shake your shit off edition

Okay, wtf Nintendo/EA? My wrist hurts. A lot.

The primary way to move forward in the game of Sim Animals for the Wii is to "wave your hand" (cursor) over everything. Which means I am gently shaking the Wiimote CONSTANTLY for the entire duration of play.

Which means, in 30 minutes I have unlocked a new Forest areas, a new animal, a new plant, and, oh yeah, CARPAL TUNNEL.

Am I playing this wrong, and if not, where the hell is the warning on this box about playing longer than 20 minutes? Let me just give you a rundown...

Play consists of:

• Shake wiimote over a bush and it will drop it's goods (berries, flowers, etc).
• Shake wiimote over animals who like you to give them lovin'.
• Shake wiimote over animals who don't like you to piss them off.
  
• Shake wiimote over the trees to drop pinecones, acorns, helicopter-seeds, etc.
• Shake it over the plants with butterflies above them to make them spit out a seed...
• ...then shake it some more over the spat-out seed to make it grow into a plant.
• Shake it over a tree for about 30 seconds straight to knock the tree down altogether.
• Shake it over the felled stump/trunk to create sticks.

Basically I am jacking off this entire forest. Men, how do you DO it!? I'm in PAIN!

Animal Crossing: Coma Edition

Ahh, the sweet lull of an Animal Crossing coma... how I've missed it!

I compare playing Animal Crossing to being in a coma, because just like a coma, the duration of play usually involves no movement, response, or anything that resembles productivity, on my part.

I can sometimes hear others speaking to me, like my boyfriend, as he comes in and out of the room, but the only reply he gets from me are in the form of yes-or-no eye blinks.

I took time off work for this launch and it was well worth it. Unfortunately, I will be returning to work tomorrow... ugh. Why must the real world interfere with my video games!?

Animal Crossing friend codes, anyone?

Animal Crossing: City Folk for the Nintendo Wii launched Nov. 16th and I bought it! However, I don't know anyone else who has it, so that means I can't visit other towns.

Total suck, Nintendo. Why do you hurt me so?

So, does anyone want to swap friend codes? My town has yummy pears. I am currently paying off my 3rd mortgage (Yes, I took time off of work in order to play this game) and I have a spare invitation to Redd's if you want it!

If you want to swap, please leave a comment below. Or email me at jenomaha (at) gmail (dot) com

I must warn you though, I do teach my townsfolk to say rather offensive things... Because, damnit, it's funny. So, if you're easily offended, don't visit my town. More than likely, my crude neighbors will move around and become YOUR crude neighbors.

Also... I have Wii Speak if you wanna chat.

Anti-social or intelligent?

I'll probably never sign up on Facebook or Myspace or any other social networking website. Do you know why? I don't think it's because I'm anti-social. Quite the contrary. I have friends and I like making new friends too. On my own terms... in R.L.

The truth is that I learned my lesson the first time. Why would I want to put myself back into an online rerun of high school? The people in high school were losers and jerks. I didn't like them 7 years ago and I doubt that much has changed. Why would I put myself through that again?

Adults who spend all their time on Facebook & MySpace fall into two categories: A. Insecure Attention Whores and B. People who didn't loathe high school and want to stay there forever and ever.

If I wanted to recycle shitty high school friends that I never liked in the first place, and pretend to give a crap about their lives again, I could just as easily dig out my yearbook and stalk them the old fashioned way - by hiding in the bushes in front of their houses or mailing them dead flowers or rodents. In fact, that might be more enjoyable than creating a MySpace account.

I voted today. I hope you all did the same. I also am having a bad week... work is really letting me down right now. And frankly things aren't going well right now in general. My dad got laid off a couple weeks ago and now my boyfriend got laid off too. I guess I could say that I blame the economy, but what's the use anymore? Too many people think everything is just peachy and are going to go ahead and vote in the G.W. Bush Clone and his extremely dimwitted sidekick.

There ought to be an IQ test before you are allowed to vote (or be nominated as V.P.)

2 years ago tomorrow.

October 21st, 2006 is the first day we met in person. You can see my silly post about our first date. You can also see how my blog posts deteriorated in the past 2 years. This isn't just because of him, but it is mostly because of him. Because frankly, in what little spare time I have outside of my hectic work schedule, I'd always prefer to be in his company.

There isn't anywhere I'd rather be.

Filling a hole.

Oh, you didn't realize that this blog was just filling a hole in a particular time in my life, and when something better came along I ditched this bitch?

Okay, well now you know.

I'm flighty and flaky and I rarely finish things I start. LOVE ME ANYWAY, DAMNIT! Closure is for the birds anyway. My mode of closure usually involves a bridge and some matches. :)

I hate to say it but if anyone cares to read or leave comments, don't be surprised or disappointed if I don't respond. Don't be surprised if this is the last entry for another year - who knows when I'll feel like writing again.

Everything is so beautiful right now... work rocks, the boyfriend rocks (we'll be 2 years in October!), and my friends seem happy and busy too. My family is good enough, maybe better than usual. It seems like it's all settling into place. This is what I wanted life to be like and I finally got here.

My last best friend is getting married November 1st - yes, that's Echo, my drinking buddy from college! She met a great guy named Dean and they're getting hitched! I'm a bridesmaid, too. I happen to be one of those people that just LOVES weddings, and especially being a part of a wedding. It's exciting to me to witness something so personal and passionate and special, made public for all to see and hear. This may be the last wedding I am a part of, since I am not planning on making any more best friends in my lifetime. It could happen, sure, but I'm pretty thrilled with the 3 I have.

I don't know if many know this, but almost 2 years ago when I first chatted with Corey (the boyfriend) online, I was actually chatting online to 4 other guys. I was signed up on a dating site and it just so happened that when it rained, it poured. When you're a geeky girl like I am, guys flock to you. Just mention video games or Star Wars or 3D modeling and they're excited.

I had 3 dates scheduled for the same weekend, each to meet 3 of the guys for the first time. Another was near asking me to meet too. I'd been chatting to Corey the most, in fact, we talked online every single day except for the days I went to Worlds of Fun with Echo. After a few weeks of chatting, I was beginning to think Corey would never want to meet - I thought maybe he wasn't as interested as I was. Finally, he did ask me to meet... on the same weekend I had 3 dates scheduled.

I just felt that he was too good to be true and I had to meet him FIRST... so I moved things around a bit to make it so I'd go out with Corey first that weekend. After we spent over 10 hours together on that first date, I canceled the others immediately.

I kinda felt like a bitch, in a way, even though I'd never even met these guys. I told them all I'd met someone else and that I was off the market. I always kind of wondered how things turned out for them. Why is it that you can be perfectly honest with someone and still feel like a jerk? Not that we would have definitely hit it off or anything, and I don't regret it, but I just kinda felt like... a guy.

So, I'm off to bed now. Maybe I'll write again sometime soon... maybe not. Who knows? I do miss writing, now that I'm sitting here doing it. I miss the useless diary-type blathering that I do so well.

P.S. I hope you all are voting this year. And by voting this year, I mean for Obama. Because any other vote would be a disgusting mistake. And speaking of disgusting mistakes, how's that Sarah Palin thing going, McCain?

Ohhhh.... too soon, John?

Can I get a witness?

Just to forewarn you, this post is about religion. So... you probably don't want to read it. Also, you don't want to take it too seriously or freak out on me after you read it. It's all my opinion and not fact... in case that wasn't blatantly obvious. Ok, thanks.

It's not that I have anything against religion. Actually I think it's a very nice thing as long as you're not psycho about it or a hypocrite about it. Sometimes (not often) I think it would be nice if I had a god or religion I believed in. My issue is that there seem to be a lot of zealots and hypocrites in the group, which of course you will find in any walk of life, but which is also perhaps one of the reasons I avoid religion all together. That's great and all, to be passionate about something, but there's passionate people and then there's blind ignorant sheep. Somehow I always get stuck dealing with the latter.

What the hell do you say to get someone off your back about religion and morality, without offending or alienating them forever?

There's a couple of very religious people I know, (and I won't mention what their religion is, because frankly it could be anything and their words/actions would still bother me. And I also won't mention the countless times I have witnessed astounding hypocrisy and ignorance from them), who insist on bringing up the subject of religion/morality on a daily basis. This isn't a situation I can walk away from, so it's really freaking inconsiderate and inappropriate.

When they asked me, I told them straight away that I was agnostic. I even had to explain the definition to them, because they had no idea. I find this is all too common that religious-zealots are completely ignorant of any and all other religions outside of their own herd of mindless sheep. It kind of amazes me that the people I meet who are most anti-religion are also the most well-read and self-educated about the many different religions in our world.

These people ask me about my personal life and then judge me on the morality of the decisions I make in my life.

I was most offended recently when they were, in casual conversation, asking me about my relationship with Corey. When I mentioned we were moving in together, they were appalled and even said they were "disappointed" in me because their religion tells them it's a sin to live under the same roof with someone before marriage. They said I would be living in sin until we were finally married.

First off, welcome to the 20th century, folks. Lots of people, devout or not, have SEX before MARRIAGE. How about we work on some more difficult issues here, like teen pregnancies and world hunger and animal cruelty and teen suicide and terrorists and serial killers and rapists.

Second, thanks for judging me. Next time keep your asshole opinion to yourself. If I'm not mistaken, I thought I read somewhere in that good old book that judgment should be made only by 'God' and you are supposed to stick you nosy ass somewhere else... Yeah I think those were the exact words.

Third, I'M NOT IN YOUR EFFING RELIGION. Why do you think that your rules apply to me when you know damn well that I'm not in your religion? You already KNOW I'm a GODLESS HEATHEN, so why are you still preaching to me? Do you think I'm going to give a shit? Do you think you're gonna say, "Oh my my! That is a sin!" and I'll reply, "You're kidding!?! Thank you for showing me the error of my ways. Oh good heaven above, I have been saved at last!"

Anyway, I'm just venting. Let's not make this a big deal, ok?

Back from Sioux Falls.

Corey and I went on vacation for our 1-year anniversary to Sioux Falls, SD. It was really fun, especially Falls Park where you are free to climb the rocks all you want and climb right up to the waterfalls.

On the 3rd and final day before we returned home, I planned for us to spend the day at the Kirby Science Center at the Washington Pavilion, which is a science museum that has over 80 interactive exhibits all relating to science.

I guess it's mainly for kids, but I knew we'd both like it since we're pretty much kids. I thought the science-crap would appeal to Corey, and the interactive games would appeal to me.

Well, I came to find out that they hire really RUDE tellers and also they aren't even open on Mondays (or Saturdays. Or Sundays.) I even called the day before and wrote down their hours from the machine recording that apparently LIED to me. So we didn't see the whole damn reason that we went to Sioux Falls in the first place.

So I'm pretty pissed at the Kirby Science Center in Sioux Falls right now. That's right, Kirby. I'm not talking to you anymore.

Anyway, we did have fun for like 1 day of the trip. When Corey wasn't miserable with a bad cold on the 1st day and when I wasn't miserable because I was pissed at the science place on the 3rd day, the second day was perfect. :)

Yes I'm writing this to avoid homework. Again.

in other news...

Hello, blog?
It's me, Jen.

Are you still there?

...

(Yeah, I would be long gone by now too.)

I finally shut off What the Blog... made it private except to the other 2 admins and myself. It's closed until further notice, which is somewhere between forever and ever. Maybe I will miraculously find time to bring it back, but it's doubtful.

I really am sorry about the whole thing... it was a great idea but as usual I didn't stick to it. (Kind of like this blog.) I have trouble sticking to things sometimes.

Here's my news, to all those interested:

• Still working at the most awesome and time-consuming job ever. I love seeing my work online and in print every day. It rocks so much! Even on the days I'm at the office until 8 or 9 pm... oh yeah, and that one night I was there 'til midnight...

• I am still madly hopelessly wonderfully truly in love with that boyfriend of mine... our 1-year mark will be October 21st. It's kind of amazing to me that this blog witnessed the last year of my singledom, our first date almost a year ago, and now my life as it is with him in my life. The more I think about it, the more I realize how I've documented a huge milestone in my life just blogging for that one year. It's like a part of me knew I needed to have it written down. (Yes, parts of me are also sappy and insane now.)
  

• I got a NEW car. This awesome job I have pays me enough to live (who knew?) and breathe (wow!). Plus, my old car kept needing all these stupid repairs. So I thought, why the hell not? I got a 2007 Toyota Yaris, which came loaded with all the extras I wanted, and it's even the exact color I wanted. I wanted a hybrid, but I couldn't afford one, so I went with the next lowest gas mileage I could find. It's especially wonderful now that I commute so far to work every day.
  

• Still going to college to get my Bachelor's degree... even though I kind of hate it right now. The classes are too easy and boring, which makes me want to skip class and not do homework. And my classmates are all fresh-out-of-high school, no-talent, no-skill, skinny-bitch-girls. "Uhm, teehee, it's either graphic design, cosmetology, massage therapy, or nursing... I think I'll just flip a coin. Um wait... aren't there any 4-sided coins?"

• Recently reaffirmed my lack of faith. This sounds strange, I know, but I'm very glad I'm finally making some firm decisions with my religious beliefs. And my firm decision is: I don't have any religious beliefs.
  

• Of course, I'm still a vegetarian and, if anything, that in itself is my one true faith. I have seen a few documentaries lately on animal rights, and while I wouldn't recommend them to meat-eaters, I would be happy to recommend them to any veg*ians out there. Nadine recently went vegetarian and has been doing really well with it. Even though she says I was the initial influence, I know she came to this conclusion on her own. And that's the way it should be.

I'm writing in my blog to avoid doing my homework... so I guess I need to stop now and do it... I guess.

Things I have time for.

Things that my new job and college classes allow me time for:

• My boyfriend (Duh... I will always make time for him.)
• Putting my fat checks in the bank every other Friday. Woot!
  
• Putting 3 times the gas into my car because I'm driving from West Omaha to East Council Bluffs.
  
• Doing hours and hours of homework about 4-6 nights per week.
• Worrying/Giving myself headaches.
  
• Blinking.
  
• Eating ice cream. Woot!
  

Things that my new job and college classes do NOT allow me time for:

• Checking my Google Reader feeds (I used to spend hours doing this.)
  
• Helping run What the Blog!? (I used to spend HOURS doing this too. Now I think maybe I should put it out of its misery???)
  
• Communicating at all with my blogger-BFFs and co-admins, Tiffany and Mikala.
• Chatting via email or Gtalk with any of my other online friends. (They might think I'm dead.)
  
• Checking my email. Like, ever.
• Eating regular meals.
• Hanging out with or even talking to my friends, Nadine, Ashley, Echo, and Katie.
  
• Sleeping.
  
• Writing stupid things like this in my bl-
  

Wow, it's been a while.

I'm back, bitches.

(Sorry, you're not really bitches. You're actually super-patient wonderful people that put up with my absence quite graciously and I love you guys.)

I'm gonna try and start blogging more... (at least more than once a month, okay?)

Uhm, so that whole quitting-my-job-randomly-and-risking-complete-unemployment thingie really went well for me.

Last Friday (which was about 2 days away from my Last Day at scary-boss-job), I had an interview with an awesome company that is actually parented by another awesome company that is extremely prestigious in Omaha.... and I was actually offered the job during the interview.

Actually, "offered" isn't even strong enough. They loved me and loved my portfolio and extensive qualifications!

It turned out so perfect! I can hardly believe it.

My last day at my old job was Tuesday. My co-workers and boss surprised me by having cake and ice cream. Aww. I'm really glad everything ended up on good terms.

I don't start my new job for another week, so I'm using this time to relax, catch up on cleaning/errands, organize my life, get back into What the Blog, work on my 3D project, work on my online portfolio (which got pushed aside when I quit my job), sort through and get rid of some clothes, and... did I mention relax?? I'm hoping to fit in some relaxing somewhere in there.

P.S. When did Blogger start auto-saving your drafts? That effing rocks! Thank you, Google.

Blogging hiatus.

Alright.

Many of you already know that I quit my job 2 weeks ago. What you may not know is that finding a new job is a full-time job. With no pay. I'm not officially unemployed yet (actually, that would free up a lot of time for me), but the time is drawing very near. I haven't yet woken up in the middle of the night hyperventilating and worrying how I will afford my next student loan payment or when I will ever see a full tank of gas again... but just wait.

I have not found any time to write here, unfortunately. I will see what I can do in the future, but it doesn't look promising.

And even more unfortunately, I've neglected What the BLOG!? Like, badly. And I know it's all my fault. I hope our members can forgive me.

But my saviors Tiffany and Mikala are going to keep WTB going in my (brief???) absence. If you're wondering what's going on with What the Blog!? please go check out Tiffany's post, in which she tells you WTF!? is happening at WTB!?

P.S. Does anyone want to hire me? Uhm, I am not willing to relocate at this time. Mkay, t'anks.

Battlestar Galactica cake.

My boyfriend Corey's birthday was last month and he is a big fan of Battlestar Galactica (the new version, not the old version). He even got me hooked on it too. Which I guess didn't take much effort since I'm an overall fan of anything sci-fi. But trust me, the BSG is really awesome.

As you know, I'm a huge fan of geek cakes. So I really wanted to try making one myself.
So here's the cake I made for Corey:
And so all the non-fans of BSG realize that it's a pretty accurate job, here's the real BSG logo that I modelled the cake after:

Here it is again in non-yellowish-lighting and taken with a better camera:
Just so you know, I have never baked anything in my life before this. (But I swear it tasted as yummy as it looked.) So I think I did pretty damn good considering I have no experience whatsoever.

Yeah, I know I didn't write in "battlestar galactica" around the top of the logo, but I was running out of white frosting and I didn't think I could space it well enough without screwing up the cake (as you can see, even the "BSG 75" I wrote on there is spaced a little funky.)

Despite its flaws, I'm pretty proud of myself! :D

So it goes.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr. died today at the age of 84.

"an indescribable writer whose books are like nothing else on earth" -- quote from the New York Times

Works you may SHOULD know by Mr. Vonnegut:
(taken from wikipedia)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Novels	1950s: Player Piano (1952) • The Sirens of Titan (1959) 1960s: Mother Night (1961) • Cat's Cradle (1963) • God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater, or Pearls Before Swine (1965) • Slaughterhouse-Five, or The Children's Crusade (1969) 1970s: Breakfast of Champions, or Goodbye, Blue Monday (1973) • Slapstick or Lonesome No More (1976) • Jailbird (1979) 1980s: Deadeye Dick (1982) • Galápagos (1985) • Bluebeard (1987) 1990s: Hocus Pocus (1990) • Timequake (1997)
Short story collections	Canary in a Cathouse (1961) • Welcome to the Monkey House (1968) • Bagombo Snuff Box (1999)
Collected essays	Wampeters, Foma and Granfalloons (1974) • Palm Sunday, An Autobiographical Collage (1981) • Fates Worse than Death, An Autobiographical Collage (1990) • God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian (2001) • A Man Without a Country (2005)
Plays	Happy Birthday, Wanda June (1970) • Between Time and Timbuktu, or Prometheus Five: A Space Fantasy (1972) • Make Up Your Mind (1993) • Miss Temptation (1993) • L'Histoire du Soldat (1993)
Adaptations
Stage	Welcome to the Monkey House (1970, 1974) • Sirens of Titan (1974) • Cat's Cradle (1976) • God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater (1979) • Breakfast of Champions (1984) • Requiem (Stone, Time, and Elements: A Humanist Requiem) (1988) • Slaughterhouse-Five (1996)
Film	Happy Birthday, Wanda June (1971) • Slaughterhouse-Five (1972) • Next Door (1975) • Slapstick of Another Kind (1982) • Mother Night (1996) • Breakfast of Champions (1999)
Television	Displaced Person (1958, 1985) • EPICAC (1974, 1992) • Who Am I This Time? (1982) • All the King's Horses (1991) • Next Door (1991) • The Euphio Question (1991) • Fortitude (1992) • The Foster Portfolio (1992) • More Stately Mansions (1992) • Harrison Bergeron (1995)

So it goes, Mr. Vonnegut. So it goes.

This guy's relationship was doomed.

Okay, I had to share this with you guys... it's too funny: (Original link here)

How dating my ex was like playing DOOM II on nightmare mode
Posted by Boyd

I want to begin by saying I had options: I could have chosen an easier difficulty level, even ultra-violence would have worked. There are plenty of nice, moderately sane girls out there who I could have dated. But no, I willingly chose nightmare mode. I went for the unstable, completely batshit-crazy girl who taught me what it truly means to experience Hell on Earth.

The Honeymoon Phase
It starts out fun. I'm running around killing shotgun guys and everything is cool. I've got a chainsaw and a boomstick and everything is going my way. She knows I've got my own thing going on and respects my independence. I'm having so much fun, I wish I could play this forever!

DOOM II - You had me at ROAARRR ROWWWLLL ROHRRROHRR

Let the smothering begin
Pretty soon things start getting tricky, there seems to be a never-ending supply of Imps and they just won't stop. Baby, I love you but I need some space, okay? I've got other monsters to kill and these keycards aren't getting any easier to find.


Trick questions
So there's invisible monsters now? How the hell am I suppose to shoot an invisible monster? When you asked me if I thought your best friend was attractive how was I suppose to know “Hell yeah she's hot!” was the WRONG answer? I'm a simple creature, be straight with me.

Goodbye, personal space
My bathroom never looked the same after you moved in. You wallpapered the house with entrails, spattered blood, and demonic symbols. You took down my favorite Bjork poster and replaced it with a “kittens around the world” calendar. You're with me morning, noon, and night.

Picking the daily fight
Now there's an arch-vile running around resurrecting the dead. We've been over this issue a hundred times, are you just looking for an excuse to fight? Can't we go just one day without mass-murder?

What used to be cute is now highly annoying
If I have to shoot one more flaming skull I swear to God I'm going to off myself with this plasma gun and end this once and for all.

I want to cheat on you
I'm trapped in this relationship and IDDQD and IDKFA are starting to sound very appealing. I'm a man of ethics, however, and I'm going to endure this masochistic adventure as honestly as I can.

(Plus, the sex is still great)

Your friends are a bunch of Cacodemons
Bloated, lethargic, one-eyed beasts: your friends are a bunch of self-centered, gossiping monsters who are only concerned with a) themselves and b) bitching about whoever isn't within earshot.

The straw that broke the Cyberdemon's back
I've endured the hordes of hell for you. I've watched our relationship evolve from a casual encounter into a level of commitment that rivals most marriages. Your cat (which I'm allergic to, by the way) has managed to defecate, urinate, and claw everything I own that is less than four feet tall. I have no armor, health, and I'm reduced to using my little spike-covered fist to fight with. I've had it - It's over.

Moving on
Doom II: I've started seeing someone else. She supports true 3D and promises things you could never give me. It's not that I don't love you, I just think we're better off as friends. Specifically, I think we're better off as friends who live at least three states apart.

LOL.

Best. Analogy/Parody. Ever.

Okay, so I really hope there are a couple fans of Doom among my readers that will fully appreciate this. Even if you're not a fan though, it's still hilarious.

Because Tiffany said so.

I'm posting because Tiffany said so.
See:

hello lady.

did you quit your job yet?
if not, you need to post something else on your blog because i keep getting pissed everytime
i see that entry.

and, you know, it really is all about me.

right?

Okay so she didn't give me permission to post this private email message from her, but I think it's funny so I did anyway. See, that's what happens when you chat or email with me??

Everything you say could be blogged when I have nothing else to talk about.

Oh, I applied for a few jobs and Corey helped me update my resume. It's all sparkly and beautiful now... If you saw my resume now you'd think I deserved a good job!

You'd say, "DAAAYUM, that bitch needs hirin' up in here." Except you'd say it more professional-like because you are a business man or lady.

And I'll be working on my online portfolio tonight. I'm hoping I can finish it this week. I can't wait til it's up.

In other news... there isn't any other news. Thank you.

Here's a random chatlog with Nadine from a while back:

jen: how's Emma? [nadine's daughter]

11:01 AM nadine: good, watching seseame street

jen: sweet.

jen: done anything cute lately? besides everything.

11:03 AM nadine: well she found some bird poop on her swing outside this morning and then tried to get it off with her fingers

nadine: it was gross

jen: eww. i said cute, nadine.

nadine: then went inside and started eating a cookie before i could ge her hands washed

nadine: it was dried, thank god

jen: I SAID CUTE!

nadine: it WAS cute

jen: oh man. a mother's love.

Yeah. That's what motherhood does to you. Anyway. How's that for a post!?

Ass hats at work: Cleavage Attack '07.

For those of you lovely readers of my bloggity blog that aren't already awesome... you need to go here and join what the blog!? and then participate in the ass hat awards, which is run entirely by your bestest blogger friends Tiffany, Mikala, and me (you don't need a link to me, you're already HERE!)

Here's my ass hat at work story for the Ass Hat Awards: Numero 3 "Ass Hats At Work"... I'm not eligible to win any awards since I'm a moderator, BUT if I were I think this little ditty would win the boobie-prize. HAHAHAHAHA, get it!?

Ok, read on and you'll get that horrible pun:

My boss called me and another girl about my age into his office last week. He's a very very old crotchety man with horrific social skills and zero consideration for others. He is constantly offending employees and even customers with his blunt, brash manner.

He starts off saying that we both do a good job with the customers, we do well at our work, and yadda yadda. Then...

boss: "I'm just gonna come right out and say this, because you know that I am an upfront kind of guy. I like to be straightforward with people."

other office girl and me nod, completely unaware.

boss: "Now, it's no secret that you young ladies are well-endowed on top..."

me, look of horror: "Uhm."

boss, continuing: "... and sometimes you gals wear tops that are too revealing given your... circumstances."

me: internal organs shutting down.

Just so you know, I do know the difference between "tasteful cleavage" and "raging slut cleavage". The latter is reserved for my boyfriend, and is not on display at work.

Unprofessional boobage:Professional boobage:(P.S. All these tops are from Torrid.com, my favorite store ON EARTH. I don't own any of these tops specifically, but if you wanna buy them for me, please feel free.)

boss: "We have customers come in sometimes and of course there are all the guys who work here too, so we don't want anything like that... distracting them. I'm sure that it does, and if I weren't such an old man, I would be distracted too."

me: vomiting inwardly.

boss, in a mildly scolding tone: "Now, you girls just need to be more careful about covering yourselves up and not showing any cleavage, because we wouldn't want to have another incident like we've had in the past, now would we?"

(this incident he's refering to was from a year or two ago when one of his male warehouse workers solicited one of the female office workers for sex (not me, thank god)... and perhaps solicited is too nice of a word. He basically said to her, "How about me and you f-ck after work today?")

other girl: glancing in my direction with a very frightened look.

me: "Okay." holy frack. anything to leave. anything to leave. anything to leave.

boss: "Alright, thank you girls. That's all, you can go."

Okay. So, let's go down the list of things that qualify my boss for an Ass Hat Award:

1. How dare he make us, two plus-sized young women, feel uncomfortable about our bodies? How dare he make any woman feel self-conscious like that? For those of you who know me, or have read my lingerie horror story at Gordman's, or have seen my online photo gallery, you know I'm a plus-sized girl. How much of a plus, it doesn't even matter.

(If you don't know what I look like, you can email me directly at jenomaha (a) gmail (dot) com and I'll decide on a case by case basis who I want to see my personal photo gallery. I spend a lot of time on SomethingAwful and Fark, I know how people's photos end up all over the internet.)

People, this is the part that makes me most angry. Both myself and the new office girl are bigger girls. She's a bit bigger than me, too. And yes, we're heavy on top.

As any plus-size girl will tell you, it's hard to find cute clothes that you can feel comfy in and still look good. (I know you skinny-bitch-asses are saying "wahh wah wah, why don't you lose some weight then, Tubby McFatterson?" to which I would say GET OFF MY BLOG.)


Comfy plus-sized clothes make us look like sacks of potatoes.

Don't get me wrong, I love being a sack of potatoes at home or with friends. But during work when I'll be meeting customers, or anywhere else in public, I want to look dressy, cool and confident.


Cute, trendy plus-sized clothes are often made in ENTIRELY the wrong way, either in material or shape, and make us look like one or more of the following:

1. the Stay Puft marshmallow man
2. like we are trying to show off our chub and/or be slutty fat chicks
3. the Michelin Man
4. like we don't fracking look in any mirrors when we dress ourselves in the morning.

Since this talk with him, I've felt nothing but awkward in everything I wear to work.

• Is this too revealing?
• Is this too much cleavage?
• If I lean over, will I show more cleavage?
• Will he say something to me again if I don't change my wardrobe to his liking?

2. There was absolutely no reason why he would be the one to talk to us about this. We have a female Office Manager who could have easily been the one to talk to us about this. It would have been far less uncomfortable and awkward for us. What the frack was he thinking trying to tell us himself? He KNOWS his social skills and overall sensitivity is non-existent.

3. As a plus-sized girl who is already terribly self-conscious about her looks, I'd have to say that every single one of my tops accentuates my best asset: my chest.

It's my favorite part of my body, and the only part that I'm not shy or self-conscious about. So, my entire wardrobe is filled with (tasteful, mind you) v-neck tops, semi low-cut tops, and some less-than-tasteful low-cut tops (these majorly low-cut tops never go to work though).

So, tell me, Mr. Boss Ass Hat... How am I going to afford to replace my entire workplace wardrobe on the barely-over-minimum-wage pay I get from your cheap ass?

4. I'm being asked to "cover up" because the pigs he hires to work in the warehouse might sexually harass me!? Excuse me, Mr. Boss Ass Hat, did you really just imply that it would be my fault if that were to happen?

Are you really saying that if we cover up our cleavage, that the asshat workers you've hired won't be total and complete pigs to us!?

WOW. I will be amazed if that works. Truly, I will. I guess I was asking to be sexually harassed all along by wearing such "distracting" clothing.

Maybe I should start wearing a Muslim-inspired shawl around my neck and head, and a dress down to my ankles too? Yes, I should start covering every inch of my body.

Because apparently men can't control themselves when they see skin. And oh, I really shouldn't wear any sandals either, because then I'd be tempting all the foot fetishists out there too!

Tell me, please, that I don't work with the biggest ass hat on earth.

And if that wasn't bad enough...

Here's what just happened ten minutes ago while I was at lunch... I'm eating my bowl of Thai Kitchen mushroom soup with yummy rice noodles and mushroom pieces (a healthy, quick and easy vegetarian lunch!)

And the Boss walks past me and says, "Is that non-fattening, Jennifer?" all accusingly, as if to say "you're fat enough. stop eating."

1. I'm on my 1/2 hour lunch... this is my ONLY time away from YOU. I'd appreciate it if you would refrain from talking to me at this time.
2. How is it any of your goddamn business what I'm eating for lunch?
3. How is my weight any of your concern? You don't even provide any health insurance, so what the hell would you care if I ate myself to death?
4. If by some chance you didn't mean this the way it sounded then WHY DO YOU TALK?
   

Two minutes later... while I'm STILL on lunch, a customer walks in and - surprise surprise! - no one else even fracking acknowledges the customer EXCEPT ME, even though I'm STILL on my lunch.

So I walk over there and start helping him and then, and only then, does My Ass Hat Boss come over and say "Can I help you, sir?" (Totally cutting me off, by the way. I hate that.)

And the guy says, sounding annoyed at the interruption , "She's helping me, thanks." (I love him for saying that. Mr. Customer Man, thank you for looking annoyed with my boss for interrupting me and for saying I was helpful and for recognizing my boss for the ass hat that he is.)

And then the boss laughs and says, "Yeah, but she doesn't know anything."

Oh, you're right. I've only worked here for 3 1/2 years... how could I have possibly retained any information on our products in such a short time? And why is that again? Can someone please tell me why I've wasted 3.5 years of my life at this place?

Geek alert!

Excuse me while I geek-out about software:

Uh, wow. I cannot even believe that Adobe Photoshop CS came out in 2003. Wtf. 4 years ago!?

I knew when Photoshop CS2 came out, because I tried it and then couldn't afford to upgrade to it. And I know that there is a beta version of Photoshop CS3 available now, which I will also try and not be able to afford. But I glanced at the copyright this afternoon when I launched Photoshop and it was like a sticker shock to see "2003" there.

I guess I just can't even believe I've been doing graphics for 4 years now. Time really does go by without you realizing it. I feel a bit old. I mean, not really. But I sorta feel almost like a grown-up. Almost.

I also can't believe I've been using Photoshop for 4 years and I'm still learning new shit about it on a regular basis. When I graduated from college I thought they'd taught me every trick there is in Photoshop and Illustrator that would get me by in the Real Working Adult World. But uh, NO. I learned most of the tricks I use today on my own and through trial and error.

I wonder if someone could find me (because I'm too busy to do it myself) a list of the specifications on CS versus CS2 and versus CS3. I vaguely looked around Adobe.com for such a chart or list, but frankly didn't look that hard for it. Because I'd like to contrast and compare what I use now and what I would be upgrading to if I purchased CS3... but without reading a 400 page users manual or sifting through 100 pages of forums.

* grumble * Back to work.

Happy birthday to you.

It's March 20th, people. Guess who was born today, 26 years ago?
(It's not me, mine's in December. Hint: It's someone I make out with.)

Happy birthday, Corey. I love you.

Ass hat in the news

If you're not a member of what the blog!? yet, you should be. Because then you can participate in the ass hat awards, which features a sweet little contest every 2 weeks. There are lots of buttons and awards and junk that you can earn if you post cool crap about ass hats. Oh yeah, and did I mention that what the blog!? and the ass hat awards are run entirely by the lovely and talent Tiffany, Michelle, and yours truly?

Yeah, we're awesome. You don't have to say it, just sign your ass up.

Anyway, even though I cant qualify to win an ass hat award, I still love to participate because, guess why? It's tons of fun, people. Try and keep up, okay? If you tried it, you would know this.

This past 2-weeks the theme has been Ass Hats in the News, so here's my post:

This is a bit of a disturbing ass hat, but an ass hat nonetheless. Here's the story if you want to read it, though all you really need to know are the parts I highlighted for you in red:

ERIE, Pennsylvania (AP) -- A woman pleaded guilty Tuesday to swinging her 4-week-old son like a bat to hit her boyfriend during a fight, fracturing the infant's skull in the process.

Chytoria Graham, 27, pleaded guilty to aggravated assault and endangering the welfare of a child under a plea agreement with prosecutors.

By pleading guilty, Graham acknowledged that on October 8 she grabbed her son Jarron by his feet and swung him, hitting her boyfriend and seriously injuring the child.

At Graham's preliminary hearing in December, paramedic Betty Schau, who treated the baby, recalled that Graham was crying and disheveled when medical crews arrived. She testified that Graham told her, "I swung him. I swung him like a bat."

The judge ordered a psychological examination for Graham before her sentencing, set for May 8. The charges carry a minimum of five years in prison because the child was under age 12. Two lesser charges were dropped.

Graham's previous attorney had said Graham did not use her child as a weapon, that the boy was hurt during a fight between the two adults and that Graham lied to authorities about how the injury occurred to protect her boyfriend.

Her current attorney, public defender Julia Dudics, however, said Tuesday that the choice to plead guilty was Graham's. Dudics declined further comment except to say that Graham had told her she was depressed.

Jarron, who made a full recovery, and Graham's four other children are currently in the custody of her parents.

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

Here's the link too, if you wanna go read it at cnn.com. But really, if you can just read it here, why go anywhere else?

So, uhm. Do I really need to say anything else about this? I mean, holy hell. WTF is wrong with people?

I see no mention of this mother being on drugs, but I really think that would make more sense... I mean, if you're totally drugged out of your skull I could maybe possibly see this happening.

Like, I could understand a bit if you're a complete crackhead and you hallucinate that your baby is really a baseball bat and start swinging away at the purple spidermonkeys flying towards your head. I could understand that excuse.

But, apparently this lady was sober!? Really? WTF? And her primary excuse is that she was depressed. Why is it that we always hear about mothers getting depressed and then either drowning their children, driving them off bridges, or using them as sports equipment?

Man, this must be an epidemic! I know whenever I'm feeling depressed, I also feel the urge to end innocent lives. Thank goodness I'm not alone anymore in Crazy Town!

/sarcasm.

Maybe birth control should be issued free-of-charge to anyone with an IQ below that of current U.S. President's. (I realize that at the moment that is not a lot of people. But hopefully this will encourage us to vote in smarter Presidents next time.) Two birds with one stone, people. That's how you do it.

Anyway, I'm glad the kid is okay. (And frankly I wouldn't be posting this story if he wasn't okay, because I'm NOT trying to make everyone cry.) I do want to say is that this lady is a freakin ass hat and she doesn't deserve to have children if she can't even operate them properly.

Obviously, this kid was not made for sports. I mean, seriously. Lady, if you really wanna go psycho on your man you have to buy yourself a real baseball bat.

It would do a lot more damage to him than your kid's squishy little head.