Monday, April 30, 2007

Blogging hiatus.


Many of you already know that I quit my job 2 weeks ago. What you may not know is that finding a new job is a full-time job. With no pay. I'm not officially unemployed yet (actually, that would free up a lot of time for me), but the time is drawing very near. I haven't yet woken up in the middle of the night hyperventilating and worrying how I will afford my next student loan payment or when I will ever see a full tank of gas again... but just wait.

I have not found any time to write here, unfortunately. I will see what I can do in the future, but it doesn't look promising.

And even more unfortunately, I've neglected What the BLOG!? Like, badly. And I know it's all my fault. I hope our members can forgive me.

But my saviors Tiffany and Mikala are going to keep WTB going in my (brief???) absence. If you're wondering what's going on with What the Blog!? please go check out Tiffany's post, in which she tells you WTF!? is happening at WTB!?

P.S. Does anyone want to hire me? Uhm, I am not willing to relocate at this time. Mkay, t'anks.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Battlestar Galactica cake.

My boyfriend Corey's birthday was last month and he is a big fan of Battlestar Galactica (the new version, not the old version). He even got me hooked on it too. Which I guess didn't take much effort since I'm an overall fan of anything sci-fi. But trust me, the BSG is really awesome.

As you know, I'm a huge fan of geek cakes. So I really wanted to try making one myself.
So here's the cake I made for Corey:
And so all the non-fans of BSG realize that it's a pretty accurate job, here's the real BSG logo that I modelled the cake after:

Here it is again in non-yellowish-lighting and taken with a better camera:
Just so you know, I have never baked anything in my life before this. (But I swear it tasted as yummy as it looked.) So I think I did pretty damn good considering I have no experience whatsoever.

Yeah, I know I didn't write in "battlestar galactica" around the top of the logo, but I was running out of white frosting and I didn't think I could space it well enough without screwing up the cake (as you can see, even the "BSG 75" I wrote on there is spaced a little funky.)

Despite its flaws, I'm pretty proud of myself! :D

Thursday, April 12, 2007

So it goes.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr. died today at the age of 84.

"an indescribable writer whose books are like nothing else on earth" -- quote from the New York Times

Works you may SHOULD know by Mr. Vonnegut:
(taken from wikipedia)

Novels 1950s: Player Piano (1952) • The Sirens of Titan (1959)
1960s: Mother Night (1961) • Cat's Cradle (1963) • God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater, or Pearls Before Swine (1965) • Slaughterhouse-Five, or The Children's Crusade (1969)
1970s: Breakfast of Champions, or Goodbye, Blue Monday (1973) • Slapstick or Lonesome No More (1976) • Jailbird (1979)
1980s: Deadeye Dick (1982) • Gal├ípagos (1985) • Bluebeard (1987)
1990s: Hocus Pocus (1990) • Timequake (1997)
Short story collections Canary in a Cathouse (1961) • Welcome to the Monkey House (1968) • Bagombo Snuff Box (1999)
Collected essays Wampeters, Foma and Granfalloons (1974) • Palm Sunday, An Autobiographical Collage (1981) • Fates Worse than Death, An Autobiographical Collage (1990) • God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian (2001) • A Man Without a Country (2005)
Plays Happy Birthday, Wanda June (1970) • Between Time and Timbuktu, or Prometheus Five: A Space Fantasy (1972) • Make Up Your Mind (1993) • Miss Temptation (1993) • L'Histoire du Soldat (1993)
Stage Welcome to the Monkey House (1970, 1974) • Sirens of Titan (1974) • Cat's Cradle (1976) • God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater (1979) • Breakfast of Champions (1984) • Requiem (Stone, Time, and Elements: A Humanist Requiem) (1988) • Slaughterhouse-Five (1996)
Film Happy Birthday, Wanda June (1971) • Slaughterhouse-Five (1972) • Next Door (1975) • Slapstick of Another Kind (1982) • Mother Night (1996) • Breakfast of Champions (1999)
Television Displaced Person (1958, 1985) • EPICAC (1974, 1992) • Who Am I This Time? (1982) • All the King's Horses (1991) • Next Door (1991) • The Euphio Question (1991) • Fortitude (1992) • The Foster Portfolio (1992) • More Stately Mansions (1992) • Harrison Bergeron (1995)

So it goes, Mr. Vonnegut. So it goes.

Monday, April 09, 2007

This guy's relationship was doomed.

Okay, I had to share this with you guys... it's too funny: (Original link here)

How dating my ex was like playing DOOM II on nightmare mode
Posted by Boyd

DOOM II - A Love Story

I want to begin by saying I had options: I could have chosen an easier difficulty level, even ultra-violence would have worked. There are plenty of nice, moderately sane girls out there who I could have dated. But no, I willingly chose nightmare mode. I went for the unstable, completely batshit-crazy girl who taught me what it truly means to experience Hell on Earth.

Grunt The Honeymoon Phase
It starts out fun. I'm running around killing shotgun guys and everything is cool. I've got a chainsaw and a boomstick and everything is going my way. She knows I've got my own thing going on and respects my independence. I'm having so much fun, I wish I could play this forever!


Imps have a lot of love Let the smothering begin
Pretty soon things start getting tricky, there seems to be a never-ending supply of Imps and they just won't stop. Baby, I love you but I need some space, okay? I've got other monsters to kill and these keycards aren't getting any easier to find.

Trick questions
So there's invisible monsters now? How the hell am I suppose to shoot an invisible monster? When you asked me if I thought your best friend was attractive how was I suppose to know “Hell yeah she's hot!” was the WRONG answer? I'm a simple creature, be straight with me.

Goodbye, personal space
My bathroom never looked the same after you moved in. You wallpapered the house with entrails, spattered blood, and demonic symbols. You took down my favorite Bjork poster and replaced it with a “kittens around the world” calendar. You're with me morning, noon, and night.


Picking the daily fight
Now there's an arch-vile running around resurrecting the dead. We've been over this issue a hundred times, are you just looking for an excuse to fight? Can't we go just one day without mass-murder?

What used to be cute is now highly annoying
If I have to shoot one more flaming skull I swear to God I'm going to off myself with this plasma gun and end this once and for all.

Lets have an us talk

I want to cheat on you
I'm trapped in this relationship and IDDQD and IDKFA are starting to sound very appealing. I'm a man of ethics, however, and I'm going to endure this masochistic adventure as honestly as I can.

(Plus, the sex is still great)

Your friends are a bunch of Cacodemons
Bloated, lethargic, one-eyed beasts: your friends are a bunch of self-centered, gossiping monsters who are only concerned with a) themselves and b) bitching about whoever isn't within earshot.

Cacodemons who gossip

The straw that broke the Cyberdemon's back
I've endured the hordes of hell for you. I've watched our relationship evolve from a casual encounter into a level of commitment that rivals most marriages. Your cat (which I'm allergic to, by the way) has managed to defecate, urinate, and claw everything I own that is less than four feet tall. I have no armor, health, and I'm reduced to using my little spike-covered fist to fight with. I've had it - It's over.

quake Moving on
Doom II: I've started seeing someone else. She supports true 3D and promises things you could never give me. It's not that I don't love you, I just think we're better off as friends. Specifically, I think we're better off as friends who live at least three states apart.


Best. Analogy/Parody. Ever.

Okay, so I really hope there are a couple fans of Doom among my readers that will fully appreciate this. Even if you're not a fan though, it's still hilarious.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Because Tiffany said so.

I'm posting because Tiffany said so.

hello lady.

did you quit your job yet?
if not, you need to post something else on your blog because i keep getting pissed everytime
i see that entry.

and, you know, it really is all about me.

Okay so she didn't give me permission to post this private email message from her, but I think it's funny so I did anyway. See, that's what happens when you chat or email with me??

Everything you say could be blogged when I have nothing else to talk about.

Oh, I applied for a few jobs and Corey helped me update my resume. It's all sparkly and beautiful now... If you saw my resume now you'd think I deserved a good job!

You'd say, "DAAAYUM, that bitch needs hirin' up in here." Except you'd say it more professional-like because you are a business man or lady.

And I'll be working on my online portfolio tonight. I'm hoping I can finish it this week. I can't wait til it's up.

In other news... there isn't any other news. Thank you.

Here's a random chatlog with Nadine from a while back:

jen: how's Emma? [nadine's daughter]
11:01 AM nadine: good, watching seseame street
jen: sweet.
jen: done anything cute lately? besides everything.
11:03 AM nadine: well she found some bird poop on her swing outside this morning and then tried to get it off with her fingers
nadine: it was gross
jen: eww. i said cute, nadine.
nadine: then went inside and started eating a cookie before i could ge her hands washed
nadine: it was dried, thank god
nadine: it WAS cute
jen: oh man. a mother's love.

Yeah. That's what motherhood does to you. Anyway. How's that for a post!?

Monday, April 02, 2007

Ass hats at work: Cleavage Attack '07.

For those of you lovely readers of my bloggity blog that aren't already awesome... you need to go here and join what the blog!? and then participate in the ass hat awards, which is run entirely by your bestest blogger friends Tiffany, Mikala, and me (you don't need a link to me, you're already HERE!)

Here's my ass hat at work story for the Ass Hat Awards: Numero 3 "Ass Hats At Work"... I'm not eligible to win any awards since I'm a moderator, BUT if I were I think this little ditty would win the boobie-prize. HAHAHAHAHA, get it!?

Ok, read on and you'll get that horrible pun:

My boss called me and another girl about my age into his office last week. He's a very very old crotchety man with horrific social skills and zero consideration for others. He is constantly offending employees and even customers with his blunt, brash manner.

He starts off saying that we both do a good job with the customers, we do well at our work, and yadda yadda. Then...

boss: "I'm just gonna come right out and say this, because you know that I am an upfront kind of guy. I like to be straightforward with people."

other office girl and me nod, completely unaware.

boss: "Now, it's no secret that you young ladies are well-endowed on top..."

me, look of horror: "Uhm."

boss, continuing: "... and sometimes you gals wear tops that are too revealing given your... circumstances."

me: internal organs shutting down.

Just so you know, I do know the difference between "tasteful cleavage" and "raging slut cleavage". The latter is reserved for my boyfriend, and is not on display at work.

Unprofessional boobage:Professional boobage:(P.S. All these tops are from, my favorite store ON EARTH. I don't own any of these tops specifically, but if you wanna buy them for me, please feel free.)

boss: "We have customers come in sometimes and of course there are all the guys who work here too, so we don't want anything like that... distracting them. I'm sure that it does, and if I weren't such an old man, I would be distracted too."

me: vomiting inwardly.

boss, in a mildly scolding tone: "Now, you girls just need to be more careful about covering yourselves up and not showing any cleavage, because we wouldn't want to have another incident like we've had in the past, now would we?"

(this incident he's refering to was from a year or two ago when one of his male warehouse workers solicited one of the female office workers for sex (not me, thank god)... and perhaps solicited is too nice of a word. He basically said to her, "How about me and you f-ck after work today?")

other girl: glancing in my direction with a very frightened look.

me: "Okay." holy frack. anything to leave. anything to leave. anything to leave.

boss: "Alright, thank you girls. That's all, you can go."

Okay. So, let's go down the list of things that qualify my boss for an Ass Hat Award:

1. How dare he make us, two plus-sized young women, feel uncomfortable about our bodies? How dare he make any woman feel self-conscious like that? For those of you who know me, or have read my lingerie horror story at Gordman's, or have seen my online photo gallery, you know I'm a plus-sized girl. How much of a plus, it doesn't even matter.

(If you don't know what I look like, you can email me directly at jenomaha (a) gmail (dot) com and I'll decide on a case by case basis who I want to see my personal photo gallery. I spend a lot of time on SomethingAwful and Fark, I know how people's photos end up all over the internet.)

People, this is the part that makes me most angry. Both myself and the new office girl are bigger girls. She's a bit bigger than me, too. And yes, we're heavy on top.

As any plus-size girl will tell you, it's hard to find cute clothes that you can feel comfy in and still look good. (I know you skinny-bitch-asses are saying "wahh wah wah, why don't you lose some weight then, Tubby McFatterson?" to which I would say GET OFF MY BLOG.)

Comfy plus-sized clothes make us look like sacks of potatoes.

Don't get me wrong, I love being a sack of potatoes at home or with friends. But during work when I'll be meeting customers, or anywhere else in public, I want to look dressy, cool and confident.

Cute, trendy plus-sized clothes are often made in ENTIRELY the wrong way, either in material or shape, and make us look like one or more of the following:

  1. the Stay Puft marshmallow man
  2. like we are trying to show off our chub and/or be slutty fat chicks
  3. the Michelin Man
  4. like we don't fracking look in any mirrors when we dress ourselves in the morning.

Since this talk with him, I've felt nothing but awkward in everything I wear to work.
  • Is this too revealing?
  • Is this too much cleavage?
  • If I lean over, will I show more cleavage?
  • Will he say something to me again if I don't change my wardrobe to his liking?
2. There was absolutely no reason why he would be the one to talk to us about this. We have a female Office Manager who could have easily been the one to talk to us about this. It would have been far less uncomfortable and awkward for us. What the frack was he thinking trying to tell us himself? He KNOWS his social skills and overall sensitivity is non-existent.

3. As a plus-sized girl who is already terribly self-conscious about her looks, I'd have to say that every single one of my tops accentuates my best asset: my chest.

It's my favorite part of my body, and the only part that I'm not shy or self-conscious about. So, my entire wardrobe is filled with (tasteful, mind you) v-neck tops, semi low-cut tops, and some less-than-tasteful low-cut tops (these majorly low-cut tops never go to work though).

So, tell me, Mr. Boss Ass Hat... How am I going to afford to replace my entire workplace wardrobe on the barely-over-minimum-wage pay I get from your cheap ass?

4. I'm being asked to "cover up" because the pigs he hires to work in the warehouse might sexually harass me!? Excuse me, Mr. Boss Ass Hat, did you really just imply that it would be my fault if that were to happen?

Are you really saying that if we cover up our cleavage, that the asshat workers you've hired won't be total and complete pigs to us!?

WOW. I will be amazed if that works. Truly, I will. I guess I was asking to be sexually harassed all along by wearing such "distracting" clothing.

Maybe I should start wearing a Muslim-inspired shawl around my neck and head, and a dress down to my ankles too? Yes, I should start covering every inch of my body.

Because apparently men can't control themselves when they see skin. And oh, I really shouldn't wear any sandals either, because then I'd be tempting all the foot fetishists out there too!

Tell me, please, that I don't work with the biggest ass hat on earth.

And if that wasn't bad enough...

Here's what just happened ten minutes ago while I was at lunch... I'm eating my bowl of Thai Kitchen mushroom soup with yummy rice noodles and mushroom pieces (a healthy, quick and easy vegetarian lunch!)

And the Boss walks past me and says, "Is that non-fattening, Jennifer?" all accusingly, as if to say "you're fat enough. stop eating."
  1. I'm on my 1/2 hour lunch... this is my ONLY time away from YOU. I'd appreciate it if you would refrain from talking to me at this time.
  2. How is it any of your goddamn business what I'm eating for lunch?
  3. How is my weight any of your concern? You don't even provide any health insurance, so what the hell would you care if I ate myself to death?
  4. If by some chance you didn't mean this the way it sounded then WHY DO YOU TALK?
Two minutes later... while I'm STILL on lunch, a customer walks in and - surprise surprise! - no one else even fracking acknowledges the customer EXCEPT ME, even though I'm STILL on my lunch.

So I walk over there and start helping him and then, and only then, does My Ass Hat Boss come over and say "Can I help you, sir?" (Totally cutting me off, by the way. I hate that.)

And the guy says, sounding annoyed at the interruption , "She's helping me, thanks." (I love him for saying that. Mr. Customer Man, thank you for looking annoyed with my boss for interrupting me and for saying I was helpful and for recognizing my boss for the ass hat that he is.)

And then the boss laughs and says, "Yeah, but she doesn't know anything."

Oh, you're right. I've only worked here for 3 1/2 years... how could I have possibly retained any information on our products in such a short time? And why is that again? Can someone please tell me why I've wasted 3.5 years of my life at this place?