Sunday, January 28, 2007

Another day like this.

I do know what's up with me lately. But I feel like such a burden talking about it. I'm just not the type to talk about things that are wrong with me. I'm more of a listener, when other people have problems. I always lecture myself that I should not bottle things up, especially with my family and closest friends. But I still do it.

I know that there's something wrong with my Zoloft (anti-depressant), but I feel a little helpless at the moment on what to do about it. A couple weeks ago I upped it from 25mg to 50mg because I finally realized what was wrong with me, and I felt I was doing better immediately after. I realize this bout of "seasonal depression" (that's what the doc called it... though I've heard different theories from her before, and on my records it's officially "low-grade clinical depression") is part of why I haven't posted blog entries very much this past couple months. (I really have been busy, but not so busy that I wouldn't do the things I like to do) When I started feeling better after raising my dosage, I started writing more.

But today I was a wreck over insane little things. (Update: I'm better now, but I did write this while I was not doing well.) Like, I was reading someone's blog about their fight against cancer and that made me start crying. I know that sounds like a normal reaction, but trust me, it's far from normal for me. I'm the type that doesn't even cry at funerals or when I have a good reason to cry. It takes a lot for me to cry, and when I do it's usually just tears welling-up, but never actually falling down my face.

And then later, I was looking at MySpace pages of people I went to highschool with (mostly people that I didn't like in highschool) and that made me start crying and feeling sorry for myself (Update: WHY!?). Then, talking to my mom about dinner made me almost start crying again. I'm crying right now, just thinking of how insane it is for me to be crying over such things.

Nobody wants to feel like their emotions are out of their control. That's how I feel when my anti-depressant stops working (although this does not happen often). And I really feel like that's not the person I should be. I'm so normal otherwise... how is it that I ended up having this disease of chronic sadness? (Update: I'm not trying to be all dramatic and oh-woe-is-me here, because I know things could be worse... once again I feel like this isn't really me talking here.) I have so much to be happy about and nothing in my life is worth crying over. I never cry when the med is working.

Here are my thoughts:

1. I can up my dose from 50mg to 75mg, as I've already discussed doing with my doctor. If it doesn't get better, something else is wrong, which leads me to my 2nd thought:

2. It seems to me that I've had most of these sad-episodes on the weekends, particularly on Sundays. I really do see a pattern. It's always after I've left the boyfriend's house, and I'm alone in front of my computer all day working on my "projects" (like, what the blog!?, finding a better job, building an online portfolio, playing with logos, etc) or just catching up on my internet-fixes (see sidebar for links). These specific episodes might be because I always drink on Friday nights with Nadine & Joe and perhaps that cancels out my Zoloft, which would account for the regular bout of sadness once a week. I know this might be hard to hear for some of you, but... I may be giving up drinking. I was planning on giving it up anyway when I move in with the boyfriend someday, because frankly, alcohol is not as important to me as he is. (That was a little hard to admit, lol. kidding!) But I may do it on a trial-basis now to see how it effects my moods.

(Update: I guess I'll do this after next weekend though... because that's when I'm going out to the bars with Echo and Katie. Lol... no rush for my well-being or anything. Hah. Well, I haven't been out in a looooong time, and I haven't seen Echo since Thanksgiving Eve and I haven't seen Katie since... her wedding last year? [I don't remember when for sure.] Anyway, in the meantime, I'm just gonna up my dose and see how that goes.)

More update: I tried talking myself out of posting this entry, but I guess I lost the battle. I didn't want it to be miscontrued as fishing for pity or being overly dramatic or over-sharing or whatever neurotic thing I could possibly worry about. I guess because I've been reading a lot of other blogs that are so much more honest about themselves than I am. They don't seem to be pretending like everything is just hunky-dorey when it's not, which I think is just plain awesome of them. (Also, they don't say lame-ass things like hunky-dorey... and that's why I have only 3 readers.) So I thought I'd try ditching that whole Pretending-Like-Everything's-Just-Peachy schtick for once. Uhhh, I dunno how that's gonna work out for me. I swear I will post something really soon after this so it's not the first depressing-ass thing you see when you open my blog.


Steven Novak said...

I took an anti depressant when I was in college and I think it did me more harm than good.


whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Jen I'm so sorry that you feel like crap. I hope upping the dosage of your Zoloft works but if not maybe you should think about switching meds. I know that sometimes a person can build up a tolerance to them and they stop working. At least you are smart enough to recognize the pattern and figure out what is going on. Feel better soon. {{{hugs}}}

Roger said...

Jen I hate to here your feeling so blue let me know if I can do any thing to help cheer you up!!!!

tiffany said...

i wish i had something witty and positive to say, but i'm feeling pretty blah-tastic, too.

in fact, i think basically our entire blogging community is at least mildly blah right now.

blab blah blah.

misery loves company, right?

Mairin said...

Nobody's life is hunky dory and no one gets out of here without their share of tears.

Mikala said...

Oh girl, I know I can't be much help right now because I'm in a somewhat similar boat...but if ya wanna talk, I'm here - ya got my e-mail address!