Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Clueless wasn't just a movie.

I'm decided I'd try really hard to write something real today instead of just taggy-posts and photos of puppies. I thought I'd share with you a few of my online dating experiences from the past. If you haven't tried online dating, don't read this because it may keep you from ever trying it. And although I have some pretty bad stories, I have some pretty amazing ones as well. :) As a self-admitted geek girl, I am a good bait in the sea of online-dating. And usually that's the best place to find fellow geeks.

But that doesn't mean I want the freaks too:

  • The Vague Guy
This guy messages me after I've been on the site for about a week. His message says only this:
it looks like we have a lot in common, check out my profile. write back if you're interested.

So I go to read his profile, and it reads as follows...

Looking for girl with common interests.
Interests: I like everything.
I like to have fun.

Seriously, that is all it said. Read it again if you didn't get it. He's looking for a girl with common interests... and he likes everything?! Uhm.
Come on buddy, just admit that you are looking for ANY girl. You're not fooling anyone.

And who the hell doesn't like having fun? When people say they like to have fun in their profiles, my reply is usually "I don't like fun, sorry. It would never work out."

  • The Superficial Serial Killer
Okay, so this guy messages me and actually sounds like he owns and fully operates a Personality. However, this isn't always a good thing.

Chat with him went something like this:

Me, casually:
so, what are you into?
Superficial Serial Killer Guy, replies: well [insert normal interests here]... and I also am really into serial murders.
Me, confused:
what do you mean by that? (thinking: Am I on Candid Camera?!)
Superficial Serial Killer Guy
, appearing to be quite serious: i chose to do this paper in grade school about serial killers and ever since then i have been doing a ton of research on various cases. i even correspond with a few prisoners on a regular basis that are currently awaiting sentencing. it's really interesting to hear their side of the story.

their side of the story? Ya know what...
There usually isn't
any other side to hear but theirs, since THE OTHER SIDE IS DEAD.

Well, besides this he seems... normal. I guess. I decide (stupidly) to ignore this "unique and quirky" interest and try and get to know him better before judging him. (FOOL!) I haven't told him anything personal about me and he can't kill me over yahoo messenger (though I'm sure they're working on this technology), so I feel pretty safe just talking to him more.

However, this finishes it:

Superficial Serial Killer Guy: You've seen my photo, do you have a photo to share?
Me, still ignoring the killer thing:
Sure thing.
[I send a couple photos through yahoo picture chat.]
[He looks at photos.]
Superficial Serial Killer Guy: Well, you're not ugly.

I wish I was making this up.

Me, completely shocked: What?
Superficial Serial Killer Guy:
You know, you're not stunning or anything but you're not unnattractive. I'm just being honest.
Me, pretty effing pissed:
Uhm. Excuse the hell out of me. It's real nice to hear that I'm "not ugly" and everything, but honesty is not an excuse for being an asshole. There are more tactful ways of saying it, like "you're not my type" or ANYTHING but "well, you're not ugly".
Superficial Serial Killer Guy:
Sometimes the truth hurts.
Me, preparing to block him:
Well, the truth is that you're a psycho and you can't really afford to be picky.

Blocked! This stunning bitch likes getting the last word.

  • The Guy My Friends Scared Away
There was nothing really wrong with this guy, he just got scared off because my friends are INSANE. I can't say that I blame him. I was 18 and had just broken up with a guy who hurt me pretty bad, so all my friends were in Extremely-Protective Mode.

He and I went out to dinner at McFoster's Natural Kind Cafe (he thought it was very cool that I was vegetarian). He was a total gentlemen, we talked a ton and meshed really well, and then he drove me home. We get to my house and we're lingering in the driveway because he's obviously working up the nerve to kiss me goodnight.

A car pulls up in front of my house, and one of my friends
(now a former friend, but not because of this) gets out, and it's painfully obvious she only showed up in order to check him out. She made up a really lame excuse on why she stopped by and I glared at her until she left.

Okay, so he and I recovered quickly from that awkward moment, and even laughed it off. However, about 5 minutes later another car pulls up. It's a different friend this time, showing up to check on me with yet another lame excuse. At the point, I am just mortified. These things are not supposed to happen after you pass a certain age, like say, age 12.

And I can tell that this guy is thinking "Uhm okay this chick is too immature/crazy or her friends are... I'm going to end up dating her friends too, like we're in freakin middle school." I'm sure that at any minute he was expecting another of my friends to show up, or worse yet to find my parents hiding in the backseat of his car.

Suffice it to say, he never called me again.
I wouldn't have called me either!

  • The Clueless Countryboy
This story is not for the faint of heart. There's some descriptive gore involved. I mean it.

I talked to this guy via email after he messaged me. He was from a really small farming town somewhere in Nebraska. (This was before I learned my lesson about long distance and hadn't yet changed my profile to exclude people outside of Omaha or very nearby.) He seemed nice enough, although quite rough around the edges. His spelling and grammar were atrocious, but I didn't hold it against him. I try really hard not to be a total freaking bitch about spelling and grammar. I make mistakes too... I'm not an English professor or a professional writer or anything even close to that. Sometimes all it takes is that I'm smart enough to use the effing spellcheck.

Anyway, we discuss my vegetarianism in the first couple emails. He's never met a veg*ian and so I tell him a little about why I am one. He seems to understand and is quite accepting. Then, we exchange photos...

He sends me 3-4 different photos of himself, but the last photo is the one he comments... (spelling/punctuation/grammar has been dramatically corrected)...

"Here is me with my latest kill. Check out that beauty."

The photo shows him with a large hunting rifle, standing over the carcass of a freshly killed deer. There is blood
everywhere. I can even see what appears to be the source of most of the blood... there is a large wound directly on the top of the deer's head.

First of all... how the hell do you shoot a deer directly on the TOP of its head? Was he high up above it on a hill or ridge and shot down? Or did he shoot the deer in the head after the initial kill in order to make the photograph MORE MANLY. "Ugh ugh kill kill, ugh me shoot in head."

Anyway, second of all... we had literally just finished talking my being a long-time vegetarian and that the entire reason was because I LOVE ANIMALS. So, he sent me a photo of him after he'd killed one, expecting me to be impressed?

My email reply to Clueless Countryboy: Uhm, those are good photos, except the last one is kind of scary... Is that real?

Clueless Countryboy's reply to this (writing has been vastly corrected): Scary, huh? Never heard it called that before. Of course it's real, that was my favorite kill too. We had Bambi jerky for a month.

#1. I'm a girl he's trying to impress (or maybe not), and his way of doing that is to show me a blood-filled photo of a cute little completely dead deer he just killed.
#2. I'm a vegetarian and he's bragging not only about killing an animal but also about gobbling it up afterwards. (I guess I would prefer it go to use since he's already killed it, but... that's really not the point at all.)

Uhm, okay, so he's a little... slow. Nothing wrong with that, right? Okay, we're talking slower than Forest Gump here, people. We're talking dropped-multiple-times-as-a-baby slow, I think. I didn't bother explaining again to him the reasons why I was horrified/disgusted. I told him that I wasn't interested in talking with him anymore because of the distance and completely different interests/beliefs/etc. Which is entirely the truth, because I am interested in mellow acoustic folk music, Nintendo, and playing with my dog Molly... and he's interested in shooting at living things and smearing their blood on his face while he beats his chest like an ape.

So I don't think it would have worked out.


tiffany said...

the caveman at the end almost made me pee my pants.
i'm glad you corrected his writing, because i am a psycho and i get REALLY ridiculously irritated by poor spelling and grammar.
i'm not kidding. i know this guy who keeps writing 'i seen' all the time, and i think i may not be able to talk to him anymore.

this, of course, doesn't mean that i am always perfectly punctuated.
it just means that i'm a raging lunatic and i hold other people to a higher standard than i hold myself.

that's ok, right?


Steph said...

i agree on the punctuation and grammer thing entirely... when other people mess up at least!

that was a great post jen, very very funny (and slightly scary).

Michelle said...

Oh Jen, you poor thing...

First off, I'm, by no means, a freak or a serial killer, but I am intrigued by serial killers from a psychological standpoint. However, I certainly don't interact with any on a regular basis and I surely don't find the aspect of killing intriguing. I find what was going on in their heads intriguing. I just had to get that out there so no one thinks I'm a freak (which J always says the cops would arrest me based on the amount of serial killer books I have alone).

The country boy TICKS ME OFF! My older nephew had a friend in grade school (in a little country town he lived in - before he moved in with my parents) that got him into hunting. Girl, you have no clue how much the boy and I fight about this. But, he has been taught to hide any pictures of him and "his kills" from me. I've even gotten into this fight with my parents and it doesn't work real well when you eat meat. But, I still argue.

BTW, I haven't eaten any meat in 3 days (it's a start, don't laugh at me).

Bob said...

Great post! I really like the hunter guy! (well, meaning I DON'T like him, but I liked the story.)

And please, you know NOTHING about punctuation/grammar til you have to teach it! OH MY GOD!!! You'd go crazy.

But anyway, this has inspired me to stay the hell away from internet dating. (BTW, I was just thinking about investing 100 bucks in an online dating site here) Thanks for reminding me what I could have been in for! (and German women are just as lame—not as materialistic though, but pathetic nonetheless)

(and thanks for the nice comments about my photos!)

Reba said...

I love those guys. I have tried the on-line dating and there are some crazy guys out there.

Tisha said...

Jen, I love youg blog! You are a great writer. : )

Thanks for such a funny post!