Thursday, November 09, 2006

Rules at the bar.

Tiffany's rules for proper etiquette at your local bar or restaurant:
(she's a bartender, she knows these things.)

1. do not enter a restaurant and expect a table for 6 or more people without a reservation.


2.
do not ask for separate checks for parties of 6 or more. if you are in a smaller party and will require separate checks, make sure to let your server know BEFORE ordering your food.


3.
never touch your waitperson. EVER!!!!!


4.
i don't care how bad you need a side of mayo or an extra napkin, NEVER walk up to your waitperson and interrupt him/her while they are engaged at another table. EVER. seriously.


5.
When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails. (this one i agree is just THE POLITE thing to do, but not a stead-fast rule. at least not at my bar.)


6.
Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile; do not get the bartender's attention by waving money around, yelling (especially if he/she is talking someone's order or has his/her back to you), slamming your glass on the bar, whistling at, or touching the bartender.


7.
Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.


8.
Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.


9.
If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.


10.
If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.


11.
If she buys you a drink, she likes you. or she might just be being polite because you bought her a drink and she's returning the favor. women are mysterious. deal with it.


12.
If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.


13.
After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.


14.
It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.


15.
If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.


16.
If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.


17.
Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.


18.
If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.


19.
If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.


20.
Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.


21.
A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up.


22.
Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.


23.
If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
(THIS IS ME!)

24.
Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked. (Ahem!)

25. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

26. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response. (Does the bouncer count?!)

27.
Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”


28.
Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.


29.
If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar. (Now if only people would follow this advice!!)


30.
Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.


31.
If you hesitate more than five seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink. it is extremely rude to stand at the bar looking like you're about to have a stroke from the anxiety of whether you will be waited on next or not, and then not know what you want to order when the bartender gets to you.


32.
Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”


33.
Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way. (No one at Eli's understands this concept.)

34. 15% is the new 10%.


Thanks again, Tiffany. Aaaaand I have a couple of my own:

35.
If you bring in your purse, wallet, shoes, keys, shirt, etc you are fully responsible for your own crap. If you take off your shoes and leave them under your table or forget your keys at the booth while you go to dance, keep in mind the bar staff is not your personal Lost and Found. If you don't wanna lose it, don't bring it in.


36.
If the D.J. is talking over the top of your favorite song while you are dancing, just chill the hell out man!! Don't scream at him to shut up. He can't hear you, but the other people dancing can. It's not the end of the world, and damnit EVERY SONG IS YOUR FAVORITE, DRUNK ASS.

37.
Don't make out with strangers at the bar that you frequent on a regular basis, just because you are too drunk to understand what they are saying and want to shut them up. You will regret it. (And more than likely your best friend will have to keep this person from taking you home with him.)

38. If you fall out of your chair more than twice within the same hour, you need to either A. leave the bar, you've had enough or B. go sit in a booth where you (hopefully) will not be able to fall out of your seat. :)

39.
Do NOT rest your head on the toilet seat in the restroom in ANY public place, let alone at a bar. If you need to lay your head down, the floor is cleaner. (I swear to god, this one is not about me.)

40.
Do not drunkenly tell two girls that are making out in the restroom that "you should not be doing that"... they will immediately be 10-seconds from kicking your ass. In fact, don't try and convey your ideas to anyone for any reason. Keep your drunk dumbass opinions to yourself or risk getting in a bar fight with other drunk dumbasses. (Actually, what I meant was that they were sitting up on the sink while making out, partially blocking both the paper towel area and the second sink. I don't care if they make out, but just do it in a more considerate area.)


4 comments:

Michelle said...

Oh ladies, this is some funny shiznit! I may be guilty of a couple of these, but none of the bad ones. What? They're all bad? Naaahhh...

Where were you two about 7 or 8 years ago? I could have used some Bar Etiquette then. Oh well...

tiffany said...

ha!
number 37!

Echo Jones said...

Jen,
Is number 38 about me. I am sure I am the only that drinks until I can't sit in my chair!

Missy said...

the drunk opinions ones are sooooo true.