Sunday, September 10, 2006

Is no news actually good news?

Being broke and single makes my weekends painfully boring. Like, I wish I were on a bad date because at least then I would have something to write about. That's how bored I am.

Plus, I have been stressing out lately and clenching my jaw without realizing it, so hooray I'm in pain 24/7! I have been taking Ibuprofen on a regular basis for the aching, but it doesn't seem to be helping since every 5 minutes I realize I'm still clenching my jaw.

Okay, I have a movie review today for you guys!! There are spoilers, so don't read it if you don't wanna have it ruined for you. But let's just say that the movie sucks, so read anyway.

So, I was at Hollywood Video the other day and found a large selection of foreign films in their 5 for $20 bin. I have a thing for foreign flicks, no matter what genre. Plus, it makes me sound like I'm more sophisticated than I actually am, when in actuality I am probably just a nerd that likes reading through an entire movie.

This one movie, called Freeze Me, was a Japanese horror film directed by Takashi Ishii. From my experience with Japanese horror, they are usually well done. Plus, check out the description on the back of the box:

"Chihiro is a Tokyo professional about to marry her long time colleague, Yusuke. However, Chihiro has a chilling past that threatens to destroy her promising future. Three men who once raped her have reappeared. Driven to desperation, Chihiro murders the men one by one and locks their bodies in her fffreeeezerrr."

Okay, so awesome premise for a horror flick, right? Well yeah, except it's closer to a porno, except badly dubbed. Had this film been done with some integrity, this Chihiro chick would have been:

A. not dubbed with a very dumb American woman's highly whiny voice
B. not such a stereotypical oh-woe-is-me flaky woman
C. not so unnecessarily naked through about 87% of the film.

The horror parts were not scary and usually involved really lamely acted/scripted deaths. For example, 2 of the 3 rapists she murders, and subsequently freezes, twitch like you could never imagine while they are dying. It's ridiculously stupid.

Not only that, and this is the worst part in my opinion:

After Chihiro murders all 3 of her rapists, her boyfriend shows up at her apartment and wants to make up with her (earlier he finds out that she was raped by 3 guys at once and completely abandons her... real nice). Well, after one more unnecessary sex scene with the boyfriend, in which Chihiro is of course naked and after which remains completely naked until the freakin credits, the boyfriend 'smells something funny' and says so.

The 3 freezers are still in her tiny apartment, mostly covered up by decorative blankets, and apparently they have been there so long the guys inside are spoiling. So, Chihiro is completely insane at this point, and decides to go into her bathroom and jump into the shower because she honestly believes the stink is coming from her.

Meanwhile, the boyfriend investigates the source of the smell in her living room, and uncovers a pile of nastiness dripping from one of the freezers. Ew. Not even well-done nastiness, it was obviously wet dog food.

Nevertheless, the boyfriend opens the freezer and behold! Rapist #1 is staring back at him like a popsicle. As the horror (finally) reaches the boyfriend's face, we pan back and see Chihiro is now behind him with a raised vase. Yep, she kills her own boyfriend. With a vase. While naked, of course. And then mysteriously disappears off onto her balcony, supposedly leaving you wondering if she has killed herself or if she just disappeared into the night.

My vote wholeheartedly goes to her killing herself, because for god's sake I don't want to see the badly dubbed sequel. Subtitles people... it's not that hard to read and it makes things a lot smoother.

Thus completes the stupidest film on earth.

Now, if that was my boyfriend, I would try and reason with him a little first before killing him. I think communication should be #1 in any relationship, even where multiple homicides are involved. Maybe after she explained it to him he might understand that she had no choice (except maybe calling the police, which obviously never occurred to her). But seeing as how Chihiro's boyfriend literally ditched her when discovering she had been raped in the past, I could totally see why she would just be like "oh screw it, it's really not gonna work out" and kill him without trying to explain herself. I guess I can't blame her. But I can blame her for being a nutjob and randomly naked.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow! Maybe this movie would have been better when you were drunk! :)