Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Make dating fun for everyone.

Everyone knows dating sucks. So why is it that we have to do it? Can't we just skip that step? (Cartoon from a blog called I could take over the world.)


Googling the words "dating sucks" randomly (I get frustrated, okay?!) will get you this strange Craig's List entry, which I edited and will post for you now:

How to [Screw] with First Dates
  • (For men) Tag on real sardonic "for a girl" to all your compliments, as in, "That skirt looks really nice on you... for a girl."
  • Constantly hint that you are an alien, as in "Oh, that reminds me of Zorkog 4... uh... I mean Venice."
  • Greet date with gifts:
    • a) a stack of wrestling magazines
    • b) your dirty laundry
    • c) black orchids--the flower of death
    • d) a bag of marbles.
  • Refuse to veer conversation away from Tom Cruise.
  • Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, come back sopping wet, offer no explanation. Periodically squeeze your clothes out as the date continues.
  • Eat only the parsley at dinner, lament the wasteful excessive meat and potatoes garnish.
  • Fill pants with mulch, let a little fall out from time to time, whisper, "Oh no, it's happening again." Crying is optional.
  • Upon meeting her, scrape finger across her shoulder, taste it and say, "You'll do."
  • Wear a Members Only jacket, jams, and a Spuds MacKenzie hat. Make references to '80's culture as if it were topical, e.g. "Have you seen that new 'Pretty in Pink' movie?"
  • Greet date with the classic "Give me five, up high, down low, you're too slow." Shooting her the double finger-guns is optional.
  • Repeatedly use the word "milkweed" as an adjective, as in "This has been really milkweed."
  • Boast about your ligament strength.
  • Give her fake but believable information like:
    • a) Paul Newman has a clubfoot,
    • b) Frank Lloyd Wright designed this restaurant,
    • c) Baboons are the only other species that engages in oral sex.
  • Rub hands together and smile fiendishly as you talk.
  • Two words: male perm.
  • Four words: wear a name tag.
  • Put parmesan cheese in your coffee. Complain to the waiter/waitress that your coffee "tastes a little cheesy". Repeat when fresh coffee is brought to you.
  • When reviewing check, using your fingers to count, calculate with deadpan concentration.
  • Every time your date begins to speak,
    • a) open up a book
    • b) yawn
    • c) vomit.
  • In an accusing tone, constantly compare your date unfavorably to Gollum, as in, "Gollum didn't smoke."
  • If he/she leaves for the bathroom, switch
    • a) tables
    • b) clothes
    • c) hairstyle
    • d) gender.
  • Attempt to do napkin origami. Fail. Be ruthlessly hard on yourself with "I suck"s and "I'm such a loser!"s.
  • When he/she orders, shake head and smirk. If they inquire what the problem is, just laugh an intensely sarcastic, "No, good choice. Really."
  • Speak all your statements with an interrogative inflection?
  • Respond at entirely inappropriate times with "Is that a threat or an invitation?" or "Do the math."
  • After successfully cutting meat, exclaim proudly, "I am the sh*t." Do that "raise the roof" gesture.
I KNEW IT. My dates have been memorizing this list! Those bastards.

Ahem. For my designer friends, check out: The Patron Saints of Graphic Design... very cute. And TechTales: a site about the idiots that call in to tech support.

I was going to write about
emotional abuse, but who wants to hear about that? (Wait, wasn't that going to be my whole point anyway?)

2 comments:

Echo Jones said...

Awesome! LOL

Michelle said...

You're killin' me! That list is crazy funny.