Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Make dating fun for everyone.

Everyone knows dating sucks. So why is it that we have to do it? Can't we just skip that step? (Cartoon from a blog called I could take over the world.)

Googling the words "dating sucks" randomly (I get frustrated, okay?!) will get you this strange Craig's List entry, which I edited and will post for you now:

How to [Screw] with First Dates
  • (For men) Tag on real sardonic "for a girl" to all your compliments, as in, "That skirt looks really nice on you... for a girl."
  • Constantly hint that you are an alien, as in "Oh, that reminds me of Zorkog 4... uh... I mean Venice."
  • Greet date with gifts:
    • a) a stack of wrestling magazines
    • b) your dirty laundry
    • c) black orchids--the flower of death
    • d) a bag of marbles.
  • Refuse to veer conversation away from Tom Cruise.
  • Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, come back sopping wet, offer no explanation. Periodically squeeze your clothes out as the date continues.
  • Eat only the parsley at dinner, lament the wasteful excessive meat and potatoes garnish.
  • Fill pants with mulch, let a little fall out from time to time, whisper, "Oh no, it's happening again." Crying is optional.
  • Upon meeting her, scrape finger across her shoulder, taste it and say, "You'll do."
  • Wear a Members Only jacket, jams, and a Spuds MacKenzie hat. Make references to '80's culture as if it were topical, e.g. "Have you seen that new 'Pretty in Pink' movie?"
  • Greet date with the classic "Give me five, up high, down low, you're too slow." Shooting her the double finger-guns is optional.
  • Repeatedly use the word "milkweed" as an adjective, as in "This has been really milkweed."
  • Boast about your ligament strength.
  • Give her fake but believable information like:
    • a) Paul Newman has a clubfoot,
    • b) Frank Lloyd Wright designed this restaurant,
    • c) Baboons are the only other species that engages in oral sex.
  • Rub hands together and smile fiendishly as you talk.
  • Two words: male perm.
  • Four words: wear a name tag.
  • Put parmesan cheese in your coffee. Complain to the waiter/waitress that your coffee "tastes a little cheesy". Repeat when fresh coffee is brought to you.
  • When reviewing check, using your fingers to count, calculate with deadpan concentration.
  • Every time your date begins to speak,
    • a) open up a book
    • b) yawn
    • c) vomit.
  • In an accusing tone, constantly compare your date unfavorably to Gollum, as in, "Gollum didn't smoke."
  • If he/she leaves for the bathroom, switch
    • a) tables
    • b) clothes
    • c) hairstyle
    • d) gender.
  • Attempt to do napkin origami. Fail. Be ruthlessly hard on yourself with "I suck"s and "I'm such a loser!"s.
  • When he/she orders, shake head and smirk. If they inquire what the problem is, just laugh an intensely sarcastic, "No, good choice. Really."
  • Speak all your statements with an interrogative inflection?
  • Respond at entirely inappropriate times with "Is that a threat or an invitation?" or "Do the math."
  • After successfully cutting meat, exclaim proudly, "I am the sh*t." Do that "raise the roof" gesture.
I KNEW IT. My dates have been memorizing this list! Those bastards.

Ahem. For my designer friends, check out: The Patron Saints of Graphic Design... very cute. And TechTales: a site about the idiots that call in to tech support.

I was going to write about
emotional abuse, but who wants to hear about that? (Wait, wasn't that going to be my whole point anyway?)


Echo Jones said...

Awesome! LOL

Michelle said...

You're killin' me! That list is crazy funny.